Off Duty Forums >> Police Family Life >> First time as a Deputy Sheriff's girlfriend

Rate

First time as a Deputy Sheriff's girlfriend

733 Views
21 Replies Flag as inappropriate
Brave_merida-620x412_max50

5 posts

back to top

Posted about 1 year ago

 

Hey there,


My boyfriend is a Deputy Sheriff and works at the jail (we've been together a few months).  We have a bit of a rough situation as it is, because he lives about 40 minutes away, but his schedule is starting to get to me.  And because he doesn't have enough seniority to work day shift, he's stuck working until 11 at night and some times 3 AM (overtime).  Then recently they've been making him train new deputies... a lot.  He has two sweet little daughters that he spends a lot of his free time with...which I have no problem  with at all (I have my own son, who's 14 months old) and think he should do that...but when he doesn't have them, he tries to spend time with me. But lately he's been taking all the overtime he can get and that means cancelling our time together almost every time.  He even missed my Birthday.  I'm just wondering if this is normal or if he is deliberately trying to avoid spending time with me.  I should probably just ask him...but I wanted to get others perspective on it first...plus I don't want him to worry about how I feel...he's got enough on his plate as it is.


 


Thanks,

Sarah

Quickley-b240_max50

9580 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

9/10/13


 


DeputysGal says ...



Hey there,


.  I'm just wondering if this is normal or if he is deliberately trying to avoid spending time with me.  I should probably just ask him...but I wanted to get others perspective on it first...plus I don't want him to worry about how I feel...he's got enough on his plate as it is.


 


Thanks,

Sarah



You answered your own question. Life with a LEO is not easy and generally it won't get any better. Is he cash strapped that he has to do overtime so much?


"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, do nothing." Dante

MODERATOR #2
PL Mentoring Team Member

Photobucket Honoring Our Fallen

Brave_merida-620x412_max50

5 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

Yes and no.  His X-Wife got the house in the divorce and he is trying to save for a new one. Not to mention he has to pay is x-wife child support....for now.

Just_passin__thru_max50

5987 posts

back to top
+3

Rated +3 | Posted about 1 year ago

 

Generally, cops and deputies will jump on any overtime. No law enforcement professional makes 'bank'. We earn every dollar we work.


This is a normal profile of a deputy. If the O.T. is available, he will not turn it down. One reason is because when you turn it down, the sergeant or manager will then look for another person they can rely on to work the O.T. Being available when a manager calls or asks is good for that extra money.


The problem is that overtime doesn't always come at a convenient time. You end up putting in long-long days, sometimes back to back to back.


I used to gobble up overtime as it became available. My wife and I discovered that in any given month, I might have had two days off total. Not good.


A decent strategy that my wife and I used was to not depend on OT as part of my regular salary. It became a little fun money bank that we used for stuff for ourselves, vacations or one time a new roof. With your boyfriend, however, it sounds like he really might need the extra income for some time to come due to the ex-wife and the money pressure that can create.


 


The Guy !
Photobucket

Honoring the Fallen

White_shirt_max50

4953 posts

    

back to top
+4

Rated +4 | Posted about 1 year ago

 

Why not speak to him one on one. No text or computer. You need to axe some questions.

Female_bodysurfer_max50

8159 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted about 1 year ago

 

Uncledennis is right.  You are both in this together and better if Officer Overtime doesn't set ALL the boundaries.  That habit can cause problems over much bigger issues should you get married.  Negotiate, like the Sarge suggests.  In any case, looks like par for the course for an LEO's significant other.


Look at the bright side.  At least you aren't going with a sailor!

Brave_merida-620x412_max50

5 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

Thank you everyone.  Sarge really put things into better prespective for me about the overtime.  And you all are right in the fact that I need to just talk to him.  Despite the fact that I don't get to see him a lot, I feel he is the best boyfriend I've had.  And I'm so thankful for that.  All I can do is try my best to somewhat get used to his schedule.  If it's meant to be, then things will work out. :)  Thanks again!

373046_26738651698_2132900450_q_1__max50

1237 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

While I was on the job I also volunteered for all the overtime available.It may be surprising but leos are not the greatest paying vocation on earth.I payed child support forever and Whatrsherface stayed with me.I definately concur with my friend MarlyB,I would never go with a sailor.

Cruise_2014_max50

2568 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted about 1 year ago

 

DeputysGal says ...



  If it's meant to be, then things will work out. :)  


 



And that, Sarah, sums everything up right there. It's still best to talk it over.


PL MENTORING TEAM MEMBER

"Don't underestimate the drawing power of the Garden State." From the film "Dogma"

Trying to stay sane in an insane world...

Schultz3_max50

409 posts

back to top
+3

Rated +3 | Posted about 1 year ago

 

It's funny. As I am reading this, I am trying to plan a day tomorrow with my wife to make up for the anniversary we were not able to celebrate on Monday. I was working, as I usually do for birthdays and holidays. You learn to celebrate on other days. Two or three days after a birthday, anniversary, or holiday is typical in law enforcement life.

Tlusa_max50

295 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

TheSarge says ...



A decent strategy that my wife and I used was to not depend on OT as part of my regular salary. It became a little fun money bank that we used for stuff for ourselves, vacations or one time a new roof.  


 


Exactly what we always did.



Somewhere a true believer is training with one goal in mind...to kill you...will you be ready when you meet?

The comments in this statement in no way reflect to opinions or official standing of any agency, person, or entity other than the person who posted it. In other words mind your own business.

Gods_team_max50

2405 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

 Welcome to LE. Just curious if your boyfriend is new at his job. I only ask because when I first started years ago, I used to work many OT (voluntary and mandatory). The paychecks were nice but after awhile, it got old and the wife hated it because I was always gone. The hours and day offs are an inconvenience but you learn to work around it. Nice to have OT days but like many LEOs on here will attest, you don't depend on OT as it will not always be there sometimes. Also, 1-2 OT days on every pay period is nice but anymore than that and Uncle Sam gets the majority. 


http://www.iamsorryivotedforobama.com/

How's that HOPE and CHANGE working out for you?

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Brave_merida-620x412_max50

5 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

IowaNinersFan says ...



 Welcome to LE. Just curious if your boyfriend is new at his job. I only ask because when I first started years ago, I used to work many OT (voluntary and mandatory). The paychecks were nice but after awhile, it got old and the wife hated it because I was always gone. The hours and day offs are an inconvenience but you learn to work around it. Nice to have OT days but like many LEOs on here will attest, you don't depend on OT as it will not always be there sometimes. Also, 1-2 OT days on every pay period is nice but anymore than that and Uncle Sam gets the majority. 



Thanks!  And no, he said he's been working there for about 7 years now.  He keeps getting promoted and said he's trying to gain senority so he can get on day-shift. 


And speaking of OT and Promotions, he text me last night and said he got another job and accepted...said it's Explorer Advisor...(I have no idea what that is).   He was supposed to have Sat and Sun off this week and said that it's definite he's working Sun and will also have to work Sat night.  :(  Ugh, this is gonna take a lot of strength for me to get used to this.

Female_bodysurfer_max50

8159 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

Google Explorer Advisor if your boyfriend hasn't defined it by now.


It takes a special type to tolerate seperation. I have a good friend whose husband is in the Navy.  His two little girls had to get used to long deployments during Afghanistan and Iraq, etc. He was away while his wife was pregnant with their son and missed his son's first year.  His intelligent son is pushing four now and still uses a lot of baby-talk and wheedling. Dad is back home, but he is shipping out again for another year in December. So, they have some things to figure out.


Early in the marriage my friend relied on military wives to help her cope with the emotional end of things. She grew quite independent in raising the family without Dad around.  She worked out a routine - an anchor.  A very strong woman.  Probably the best LEO wives have similar skills.


Probably your Deputy boyfriend knows LEOs with significant others. He could introduce you to them. That is, if he hasn't already.  If so, what do they have to say about coping? Maybe it's premature in your relationship. If so, try to contact females with LEO partners in your community.


Also, you should be seeking out the advice of women. Don't rely too much on what men have to say about how women should cope with adjusting to their men's job demands.  It is easy enough to say, "If it is meant to be it will happen"  but hard to take when you discover you both missed 'doing the work' to things from falling apart. You won't get the whole scoop from men.


Be cautious of advice from LEOs who have two or three divorces under their (gun) belt. 


 

Brave_merida-620x412_max50

5 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

That's a good idea Marly.  Actually it was sort of what I was looking for before I found police link.  Right now it just helps getting an idea of how things will probably be in my relationship.   I really really appreciate all the responses, advice, and facts that everyone has given me.  It really helps.  Thank you all.

Gator_max50

5495 posts

back to top
+2

Rated +2 | Posted about 1 year ago

 

I wish you lots of luck and "Devine Intervention" on the choice you are faced to make. I don't know if the department your boyfriend works with pays him an incentive for being involved with the extra-curricular stuff he's taking on, such as the explorer program, et al. If not I will say this, I have done this for 21 years, no shift differential pay, no incentive pay for instructing, field training, SWAT, hurricane details....nothing. But I did these things full of excitement. Then one day I woke up and found my whole personal life has changed from what I've known. I took a look back at my life to this point and realized, why? We get into this career wanting to help people, be involved and make a difference. But at what cost do we achieve this? Please do not misinterpret what I'm saying as bitter, albeit, there may be a twinge of it, but I realized when your career comes to an end, you still have a life to live......how sad it will be to spend those years thinking about what you've lost and being alone with nothing but your thoughts to think about it. I guess I'm just saying that although he may be able to justify the OT now because of recent personal events, it's easy to get used to having that extra money and becoming dependent on it. When it's all said and done, I look back and say, how much did I miss with my family that can never be reclaimed? Was it really worth the loss of a wife that stood with me all those years and only ask for some of my time to be her husband? If he has found a young lady who's willing to travel this road with him, he should really learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of a lot of others. I know now that when the twilight of life comes, as it will for all of us, the department is not going to be by your bedside comforting you. Only the love of a woman who loves you dearly and the love of your children can give that. In that perspective, the money is really not that important. Good luck Sarah, I wish y'all much happiness. Sarge, I apologize if this seems a little emotional and "Soapboxish", too much time to think lately.

Female_bodysurfer_max50

8159 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

Lulusgt what you say makes so very much good sense! 


Where I worked a co-worker was going out of her mind the first year of marriage when her husband was a rookie working nights.  A couple more years passed. She changed. She was no longer the hand-wringing mouse, "He has to understand that to keep our marriage he can't let the Department run him and us into the ground.  I have boundaries too and he has to set boundaries with the Department if he wants our marriage to last."  She said she had conferred with other police wives who advised her on things.  Her marriage got stronger.


What she said had the ring of truth.  Just like your great advice here!


Lulusgt says ...



I wish you lots of luck and "Devine Intervention" on the choice you are faced to make. I don't know if the department your boyfriend works with pays him an incentive for being involved with the extra-curricular stuff he's taking on, such as the explorer program, et al. If not I will say this, I have done this for 21 years, no shift differential pay, no incentive pay for instructing, field training, SWAT, hurricane details....nothing. But I did these things full of excitement. Then one day I woke up and found my whole personal life has changed from what I've known. I took a look back at my life to this point and realized, why? We get into this career wanting to help people, be involved and make a difference. But at what cost do we achieve this? Please do not misinterpret what I'm saying as bitter, albeit, there may be a twinge of it, but I realized when your career comes to an end, you still have a life to live......how sad it will be to spend those years thinking about what you've lost and being alone with nothing but your thoughts to think about it. I guess I'm just saying that although he may be able to justify the OT now because of recent personal events, it's easy to get used to having that extra money and becoming dependent on it. When it's all said and done, I look back and say, how much did I miss with my family that can never be reclaimed? Was it really worth the loss of a wife that stood with me all those years and only ask for some of my time to be her husband? If he has found a young lady who's willing to travel this road with him, he should really learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of a lot of others. I know now that when the twilight of life comes, as it will for all of us, the department is not going to be by your bedside comforting you. Only the love of a woman who loves you dearly and the love of your children can give that. In that perspective, the money is really not that important. Good luck Sarah, I wish y'all much happiness. Sarge, I apologize if this seems a little emotional and "Soapboxish", too much time to think lately.


Img_1828_max50

137 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

 Policing ruined my marriage.... Christmas "santa" came two days late last year, as I had to work my normal 12 through the night, and then picked up a shift for my sergeant who has 5 kids (who are elementary age) so he could be home with his family to do the "santa" thing...as my kid was only just 2 at the time, and didn't know the difference. Last year, I worked every single holiday- Easter, Memorial day. 4th of July, Labor day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas day too, after having been at work the day of Christmas Eve day. So welcome to policing. I was also strapped for cash (as most cops always are), so any overtime, detail, extra assingments, WE ALWAYS take them.....plus it also looks good to show your chain of command that when you've already been working 4 days in a row, to pick up an extra 2 - 12 hour shifts....when promotion or school opportunities arise, you will likely be competitive for them, if not guaranteed to have them. Most people don't understand, thus the reason for many marriages, and/or miserable marriages in policing. lol. 


 

373046_26738651698_2132900450_q_1__max50

1237 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted about 1 year ago

 

In a sense,being married to a leo is no different than any other Marriage.Unfortunately all too many do not learn the vital secrets till it is parting time or close to it.I deeply loved the badge ,BUT,I was NOT married to it.I did however volunteer for pretty much everything which presented itself.Like every vocvation,it is quite important to learn every aspect of ones job.I made it a popint to not become stale by keeping myself in one spot.A good and successful marriage is one that is worth working on CONSTANTLY and NOT taking advantage of one another.Decisions should be made jointly,especially the major ones ,Most importantly a successful marriage is one in which both individuals realize and accept that it is a PARTNERSHIP.There is is NO me Tarzan you listen garbage.

Trainingatdropyard157_max50

6 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted 29 days ago

 

So how's the drama now?

25-1-13-a_1__max50

2161 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted 19 days ago

 

DZickmund says ...


So how's the drama now?

Wow........ Interesting post (one of only 6 since 2008) given the subject matter.