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Hope I don't bore you.

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Posted almost 2 years ago

 

1.Money cannot buy hapiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than a bicycle.


2,Forgive your enemies,but remember their name.


3.Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4.Many people are alive today because it is illegal to shoot them


One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site andn realizes they have forgottenj all their shovels..The crew's foreman radios the office to tell the supervisor  the situation.The supervisor radios back and say,'Don't worry we'll send some shovels.just lean on each other until they arrive.


Starting tomorrow,whatever life throws at me,I'm going to duck so it hits somebody else.


What do you call a chicken which crosses the road,rolls in the mud and recrosses the road???A dirty double crosser.


When I woke up this morning,no wrinkles in sight,the house was spotless,the garden lovely and my grumpy husband looked like George Clooney.I don't think I'll ever put my glasses on again.

2007-2008_114_max600_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 2 years ago

 

LOL


Have ASP will travel.

Justice is the one thing you should always find, you gotta saddle up your boys you gotta draw a hard line.

When the gun smoke settles we'll sing a victory tune and we'll all meet back at the local saloon.

And we'll raise up our glasses against evil forces singing whiskey for my men beer for my horses.

Bronzestarribbon_max50

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Rated +1 | Posted almost 2 years ago

 

Dave,


You or the misses bored?  You left yourself signed on again huh...

1412531174478_max50

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 Dave you are awesome:-) 

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I arrived at the front door after a long shift, she met me at the door with a cold drink, said dinner was on the table, then opened her robe and had on a sexy teddy; it's then I realized I was at the wrong house.

Newpatch_sq90_max50

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TNDEPUTY says ...



I arrived at the front door after a long shift, she met me at the door with a cold drink, said dinner was on the table, then opened her robe and had on a sexy teddy; it's then I realized I was at the wrong house.



I was going to ask you if you were newlyweds, until the last sentence.


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Rate This | Posted almost 2 years ago

 

So,TNDEPUTY,did you stay?

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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Dave, I LOVE these!!!! 

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the check-out counter.The man at the counter asked the older boy,"Son,how old are you?"Eight,the boy replied.The man continued,"Do you know what these are used for?"The boy replied,"Not exactly,but they aren't for me.They're for him.He's my brother.He's four.We saw on t.v. that if you use these,you would be able to swim and ride a bike.Right now he can't do either one.

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Rate This | Posted almost 2 years ago

 

Thanks much MarlyB.

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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Ok here goes...


Signs of the 21st Century


-- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

-- You have a list of 20 phone numbers to reach five people.

-- You chat several times a day with a Nigerian prince over e-mail, but you couldn't name your neighbor.

-- When paying a cashier, you only know how to respond to "credit or debit" -- what the h*ll is "cash"?

-- You think "music in the air" refers to free downloads.

-- You lose touch with any family member who doesn't have an email address.

-- Second-day delivery takes way too long.

-- You need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

- A "half day" means leaving at 5 p.m.

-- You find jokes on computers, not in books or word of mouth.

 


 

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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This one's too long.  You all figure a better set up...


NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.


British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.


When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.


The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.


The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

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All  are excellent my friend.

White_shirt_max50

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Last week I attended a bulimia party. That's where the cake jumps out of the girl.


Last week it was a little warm and I saw a guy sweating like Dan Qyale working a cross word puzzle.


 

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An old man was in his golden years,but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up younger ladies.He went to a local bar,approached a very pretty and very young woman and said,"Where have you been all my life"?The young lady takes a glance at him and says,"For the first half of it,I wasn't even born yet"

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A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients,The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding."What have you been eating?" the dentist asked the man."About three months ago my wife mad asparagus and put hollandaise sauce on it.I loved it so much I now put it on everything."That's the problem" the dentist saidHollandaise sauce contains lemon juice,which is highly corrosive."I'll make you a new plate and this time use chrome."-"Why chrome?" Everyone knows there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?---Because they have big fingers.

Bluejersey_max50

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A blonde walks into a bar, hurts her head.


What doesn't kill me had better start running!

White_shirt_max50

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Two blonds in a bar keep high fiving and yelling 56. After awhile the bartender asked them what was going on. One said we put a puzzle together in 56 hours. The bartender said whats so special about that. The other blond said the box said 5 to 6 years.


A police officer stops a blond for driving the wrong way down a one way street. The officer axed the blond didn't you see the arrows. The blond said I didn't even see the indians.


 


 

Bluejersey_max50

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uncledennis1 says ...



Two blonds in a bar keep high fiving and yelling 56. After awhile the bartender asked them what was going on. One said we put a puzzle together in 56 hours. The bartender said whats so special about that. The other blond said the box said 5 to 6 years.


A police officer stops a blond for driving the wrong way down a one way street. The officer axed the blond didn't you see the arrows. The blond said I didn't even see the indians.


 



oh, I'm a brunette btw


 


 



What doesn't kill me had better start running!

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A blonde dies and arrives at the pearly gates,where she is greeted by St. Peter.Welcome he says.Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven.Therefore you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.Okay says the blonde."Here's your question:name two days of the week that begin with the letter "T"."That's easy,today and tomorrow"."Well that's not the answer I was thinking of,but I'll give you another question.How many seconds are there in a year?"That's easy,twelve."Twelve,says St. Peter.Ye,,Jan. second,February second,March second."Okay,okay,I see you misunderstood this  question as well."Okay,one more chance."What's God's name.That's easy said the blonde it's Howard."Howard,said St.Peter.Yes,you know,says the blonde,"Our father who art in Heaven,Howard be thy name".

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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.Feeling hungry he sat and looked over the menue.


Tourists-$5.00


Broiled missionary-$10.00


Fried explorer-$15.00


Baked Democrat or grilled Republican-$250.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked"Why such a price difference for the politicians?"The cook replied"Have you ever tried to clean one?They're so full of manure it takes all morning.

White_shirt_max50

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A friend of mine attended a costume party. He shaved his head and painted it blue and went as a roll on deodorant.


At a local drive in show they discovered a blond dead in her car. It was winter and she pulled in to see closed for the season.


New book out. Revenge of the tom cat by clawed balls.

Newpatch_sq90_max50

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MarlyB says ...



Ok here goes...

 


Signs of the 21st Century


-- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

-- You have a list of 20 phone numbers to reach five people.

-- You chat several times a day with a Nigerian prince over e-mail, but you couldn't name your neighbor.

-- When paying a cashier, you only know how to respond to "credit or debit" -- what the h*ll is "cash"?

-- You think "music in the air" refers to free downloads.

-- You lose touch with any family member who doesn't have an email address.

-- Second-day delivery takes way too long.

-- You need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

- A "half day" means leaving at 5 p.m.

-- You find jokes on computers, not in books or word of mouth.

 


 These are real funny, but very true.



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LonnaNJ says ...



uncledennis1 says ...



Two blonds in a bar keep high fiving and yelling 56. After awhile the bartender asked them what was going on. One said we put a puzzle together in 56 hours. The bartender said whats so special about that. The other blond said the box said 5 to 6 years.


A police officer stops a blond for driving the wrong way down a one way street. The officer axed the blond didn't you see the arrows. The blond said I didn't even see the indians.


 



oh, I'm a brunette btw


 


 You dye your hair don't you.



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Nintendo_max50

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uncledennis1 says ...



Two blonds in a bar keep high fiving and yelling 56. After awhile the bartender asked them what was going on. One said we put a puzzle together in 56 hours. The bartender said whats so special about that. The other blond said the box said 5 to 6 years.


A police officer stops a blond for driving the wrong way down a one way street. The officer axed the blond didn't you see the arrows. The blond said I didn't even see the indians.


 


 



A blonde is driving down the road when she sees another blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field.  The blonde in the boat is rowing but obviously going no where.  The blonde who was driving, stops her car, gets out and yells to the blonde in the boat....


"It's blondes like you that give us the label of being stupid!!!  And if I could swim I'd come out there and smack you!!"


"I have a strict gun control policy. If there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it."

- Clint Eastwood

Army_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

Nice that is funny stuff i like it.


“In honor, there is hope”