1.Money cannot buy hapiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than a bicycle.

2,Forgive your enemies,but remember their name.

3.Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4.Many people are alive today because it is illegal to shoot them

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site andn realizes they have forgottenj all their shovels..The crew's foreman radios the office to tell the supervisor  the situation.The supervisor radios back and say,'Don't worry we'll send some shovels.just lean on each other until they arrive.

Starting tomorrow,whatever life throws at me,I'm going to duck so it hits somebody else.

What do you call a chicken which crosses the road,rolls in the mud and recrosses the road???A dirty double crosser.

When I woke up this morning,no wrinkles in sight,the house was spotless,the garden lovely and my grumpy husband looked like George Clooney.I don't think I'll ever put my glasses on again.

Dave,

You or the misses bored?  You left yourself signed on again huh...

I arrived at the front door after a long shift, she met me at the door with a cold drink, said dinner was on the table, then opened her robe and had on a sexy teddy; it's then I realized I was at the wrong house.

So,TNDEPUTY,did you stay?

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the check-out counter.The man at the counter asked the older boy,"Son,how old are you?"Eight,the boy replied.The man continued,"Do you know what these are used for?"The boy replied,"Not exactly,but they aren't for me.They're for him.He's my brother.He's four.We saw on t.v. that if you use these,you would be able to swim and ride a bike.Right now he can't do either one.

Ok here goes...

Signs of the 21st Century


-- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

-- You have a list of 20 phone numbers to reach five people.

-- You chat several times a day with a Nigerian prince over e-mail, but you couldn't name your neighbor.

-- When paying a cashier, you only know how to respond to "credit or debit" -- what the h*ll is "cash"?

-- You think "music in the air" refers to free downloads.

-- You lose touch with any family member who doesn't have an email address.

-- Second-day delivery takes way too long.

-- You need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

- A "half day" means leaving at 5 p.m.

-- You find jokes on computers, not in books or word of mouth.

 

All  are excellent my friend.

An old man was in his golden years,but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up younger ladies.He went to a local bar,approached a very pretty and very young woman and said,"Where have you been all my life"?The young lady takes a glance at him and says,"For the first half of it,I wasn't even born yet"

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?---Because they have big fingers.

Two blonds in a bar keep high fiving and yelling 56. After awhile the bartender asked them what was going on. One said we put a puzzle together in 56 hours. The bartender said whats so special about that. The other blond said the box said 5 to 6 years.

A police officer stops a blond for driving the wrong way down a one way street. The officer axed the blond didn't you see the arrows. The blond said I didn't even see the indians.

A blonde dies and arrives at the pearly gates,where she is greeted by St. Peter.Welcome he says.Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven.Therefore you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.Okay says the blonde."Here's your question:name two days of the week that begin with the letter "T"."That's easy,today and tomorrow"."Well that's not the answer I was thinking of,but I'll give you another question.How many seconds are there in a year?"That's easy,twelve."Twelve,says St. Peter.Ye,,Jan. second,February second,March second."Okay,okay,I see you misunderstood this  question as well."Okay,one more chance."What's God's name.That's easy said the blonde it's Howard."Howard,said St.Peter.Yes,you know,says the blonde,"Our father who art in Heaven,Howard be thy name".

A friend of mine attended a costume party. He shaved his head and painted it blue and went as a roll on deodorant.

At a local drive in show they discovered a blond dead in her car. It was winter and she pulled in to see closed for the season.

New book out. Revenge of the tom cat by clawed balls.

LonnaNJ says ...

uncledennis1 says ...

Two blonds in a bar keep high fiving and yelling 56. After awhile the bartender asked them what was going on. One said we put a puzzle together in 56 hours. The bartender said whats so special about that. The other blond said the box said 5 to 6 years.

A police officer stops a blond for driving the wrong way down a one way street. The officer axed the blond didn't you see the arrows. The blond said I didn't even see the indians.

 

oh, I'm a brunette btw. 

 

 You dye your hair don't you.

Nice that is funny stuff i like it.