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Spouse

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Posted over 1 year ago

 

 Hello Leo's. As some of you might know I want to be a Leo soon. I have seen so many shows and movies about the job being so hard for Leo's spouse that they have a high devorce rate. Is that true? Also how can you make sure that never happens? We have been togather for 4 years, and we both can't think of being with anyone else. But I heard the stress is very high or both people. 

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Rated +2 | Posted over 1 year ago

 

It does have the highest divorce rate next to the military, but that is not a curse to everyone that joins the LEO Brotherhood. Divorce is not the fault of being a cop or being married to a cop, divorce happens when the couples loose touch with one another and don't communicate.

For cops it can be tougher because of some of the things we see and get involved in. These are things that we can not always discuss right away, due to an active investigation or someone that is not used to seeing graphic results and does not communicate the felings that are evoked to a spouse or friend. It eats away at the relationship because one thinks the other is hiding something or the one spouse thinks the other is not ready to hear the graphic details? Some spouses can't get over the long hours away from the family and missing family events involving your own kids at times. The other spouse feels like he or she has to do it all and gets no help from the other. Fire Fighters experience this very same thing. Those of us in Emergency Service get into a hyper-vigilant state and if you never come down through decompression it can be dangerous and stressful to both parties in the relationship.

My ex-wife could never seem to get passed that and understand or deal with the long hours away from home at times. Cops tend to get close with other cops because we feel like we can only tallk to someone who knows what its like or who has been there and done that. When the time increases that is spent outside of a home or away from a spouse with friends who are fellow cops this action promotes jealousy on the part of the spouse.

In some jurisdictions male and female cops become partners and despite years of being partnered and professionally working together the two may only feel like they can vent to one another. Jealousy and gender differences lead to inuendo and in some cases infidelity, depending on how strong the partnership bond becomes and the marrieges of either spouses. The divorce rate is likely higher than a regular office career, but it boils down to the individuals. If you communicate, stay strong, know when to hold on and when to let go, but never let each other feel lost you will make it. The spouse needs to understand the lifestyle prior to entering it and then have someone within the biz that they can go to and get understanding. This can be done through agency chaplains, auxilleries perhaps and with other officers and their spouses.

You can never say it won't happen, but I know people who have been married for 40 plus years to the same LEO spouse and I have friends that were married as little as 9 months before realizing that the home life they wanted does not conform to the job requirements and demands. The stress is very high and both cop and spouse need to overcome the stigmas of being macho and dealing with everything themselves and recognize the need to start seeking help from professionals when needed. Recognize the warning signs of stress and work together as husband and wife to maintain good physical and mental fitness. The job can be stocked full of pressure without adding anymore at home.

Just my five cents worth. Talk about it before you start the job, talk during the career and never stop talking about things. Good luck in your pursuit...

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

 Thank you. It was very helpful. 


 

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Rated +1 | Posted over 1 year ago

 

I tell this to every police academy class within the first couple of days of starting the academy. You have to have a buy-in from your spouse.


There are lots of sayings and cliches out there: "If mama aint' happy, no one is happy." or equivalent sayings. Point being you need to really dialogue about a LEO career. The Catch-22 on this is you really don't know what you're talking about prior to entering LEO-Land. You can talk all about it because you don't really know about it. Here are a few itemized things to consider (csiguy mentioned a couple):


1. Long hours: A typical shift is around 9 hours (including a meal break). Some agencies have 12-hour shifts. Commute time, no matter how short, still needs to be figured into all this. Long hours means you are generally completely absent from the house. And it also means you are not always available to talk to during your shift.


2. Preoccupation with the job: We are cops 24/7/365. Yes, we work certain hours but our sworn status is 24-hours a day. It's very difficult to disengage from being in Condition Yellow even during your off time. So, if your spouse needs time with you, you need to be able to be disciplined enough to learn how to set everything aside and 'be' with your spouse.


3. Chilldren: They feel the brunt of absentee dad's (and mom's, too.). You need to be available to the kids. Your presence makes a profound impact on the raising of children. Do not underestimate your value as a dad.


4. The job itself: You get used to most of the ugly things we see. Some things linger in your brain. It can affect your attitude and demeanor. It can turn you into a negative person who negatively affects your spouse.


5. The possibility of injury: Most everyone gets injured to some degree during their career. Small twists, sprains, cuts and bruises all the way up to hospitalization. Is your spouse prepared to get 'the call' .... to go to the hospital to pick you up? My wife went to the hospital 3 times to drag my butt home. It is very wearing on a person.


6. Priorities: No, you are not the most important person in the world. When you're married, you are part of that union. You need to see your spouse as highly valued and worth sacrifice. You nned to put your spouse first before your job. Think about it.


I have been married 32 years. It was a rough career. And it was a rough ride at times for my bride. She soldiered up most of the time by tolerating the long days and the bovine scatterings I dealt with. My two kids didn't have Dad around a lot. My youngest would always ask me on the phone: "Dad, when are you coming home?" Tugs on the heart strings.


Lastly, but definitely not comprehensively, do not build your home around your career or talk about being shot or killed in the line of duty with your family as a frequent topic. There is a quiet and subtle expectation that you are suppose to come home at the end of your shift and that aspect is not negotiable. Do not plant doubt in your family. You go to work and you come home. That's it. No stories about almost getting shot, or almost getting in a wreck during a pursuit or how dangerous it is. That kind of talk will erode a family very significantly.


And, do not dedicate a room in your home as your man-cave dedicated to enshrine your cop-ness. Friends and family should be able to be in your home and not be able to tell a cop lives there.


I will stop now. Others here will have other opinions.


The Guy !
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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

 Thanks TheSarge. This will really help us in the future

Redhatpicmay25-2_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

 The Sarge said it well. He has given you very sage advice.

Wredcedar_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

You have received good advice, but remember  about 50% of all marriages end in divorce, while LEO's may have a somewhat higher rate, not becoming a LEO is no guarantee against divorce.

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

I am curious since you post many discussion topics. Have you made any applications for a law enforcement position? If so how many departments have you applied with. How far have you processed? I await your response.

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

My husband has but up with a LEO wife for 22 yrs !!!! He had to be dad and mom sometimes. Think it's tough when the man is the leo? We were in a pool league and a dart league. Let's talk about the the trash talk he used to get from the guys in the bars. Bottom line is this, it takes 2 to make a marraige work and only one to ruin it !


We've got some great cop wives on this site, if your wife has questions tell her to get on here and ask !!!!


PL's Mamacat

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

 Uncledennis1 - I am in my first year of collage and am waiting to be done with my first two years of school to apply for a full time in a law enforcement. I am currently applying for the reserve program in my county. Just tell I get done with school.

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Rated +1 | Posted over 1 year ago

 

Your question in the middle of your initiating this thread somewhat astounded me."How can I make sure that a divorce never happens"?Absolutely nobody on the face of this earth can be assured of anything happening and/or not happening.Yes,due to the very nature of a leos's job,the divorce rate is quite high.My only advice is what I would advise all leos and non leos.Nobody,but nobody in your relationship is the boss,it's a partnership.It's worked for me.If you're looking for assurances for somebody you won't find them here.I definately DO have a boss,I talk to him everyday before I go to work,in the privacy of my own room.

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

 I know that I can't 100% stop a divorce. I just wanted to see if I can get a example from the fine Blues in PL. Thank you everyone.

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Rate This | Posted over 1 year ago

 

uncledennis1 says ...



I am curious since you post many discussion topics. Have you made any applications for a law enforcement position? If so how many departments have you applied with. How far have you processed? I await your response.


 


I am currently in collage, in my first year of criminal. So i was going to wait two year before I applied for a full time postion in a agancy. I am in security right now. I am however appying in our Sheriffs Reserve program where I live. Hope this answers your question.