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Boyfriend becoming a LEO

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Posted about 2 years ago

 

Hi everyone,


I'm currently a senior in college and my boyfriend who graduated in May is in the police academy right now.  He's been there for 18 weeks now and has six more to go, he will be starting with the department that sponsored him soon after.  I was hoping for some advice from you all about the transition into becoming an officer.  My boyfriend is at a sleep away academy currently, and the time away has been hard for me.  He has done everything he possibly can to make sure I know I am a priority and to make this as easy on me as possible, and it really has been a great help during this huge time of transition.  Having almost made it through the police academy I am nervous about him actually getting out there.  I tend to worry, and I know that this job is high risk so I was wondering if you had any tips for the worrying aspect?  Also, being in school and him having a job with crazy hours,  I sometimes worry about having enough time for eachother, any tips for making sure you don't get lost in the mess of the schedule?  We are planning on getting engaged in the near future and I want to make sure that I am the best possible support for him yet still maintain my life and my happiness as well.  I am so proud of him and am so glad that he is doing what he loves, we both have been trying our best to and have vowed to make sure we are still the priority, but I get worried that we won't have the time to really do this with the craziness of his schedule.  I want to be able to support him in every way possible, and let him know that I appreciate how hard he works to make sure I know how important I am to him, but sometimes in the diffuculty of being away from eachother and out of worry of the horror stories I have heard about cop relationships, I get worried and I don't find that anyone really understands it and the unique difficulties and worries I have that come from this lifestyle.  I feel like I have no one to talk to who gets it or even takes it seriously because I am in college and am so young and most people here's greatest  worry is who they will hook up with next.  I will do anything I can to make this relationship work, he is the love of my life, and I want to be by his side regardless of what career he chooses, whatever makes him happy makes me happy.  


 


I know I'm rambling, but I just need some advice, understanding, and some positive perspectives on being in a LEO relationship--most of the feedback I have gotten so far is negative.  I know we will make it work no matter what, but it would be nice to hear that it can and has before.


 


alexis

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

I do hope some wives chime in on this discussion. I am going to get right to the point and not sugar coat my comments. Being a LEO is one of the greatest professions there is. I found it rewarding and an opportunity to help others. The down side is holidays are just another work day. Being a new officer he will pay his dues for several years. Plan on working opposite shifts as more than likely he will be assigned to working last out (midnights) with days off opposite of yours. Working weekends is a given for new hires with days off through the week. The main thing will be your role as a significant other. Be there for him and most of all listen to him. He must have your support. I hope others comment as I do not want to write a novel. It may assist you if you have relatives living near you and attempt to become friends with other officers wives. Best to both of you in your life and I wish my new brother a safe and rewarding career.

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

Good evening Alexis and welcome to Police Link.Hope you enjoy it here and are able to receive the assistance you need.It is indeed a great transitioin but keep in mind also that it is just an occuopation.We consider it a way of life and I am firmly convinced it is the finest calling there is.You must both work at this together and yes,usually the newer officers will be required to do some odd shifts that neither of you are accustomed to.This,however is required on many jobs.It may be a good idea to join the F.O.P.(Fraternal Order Of Police), Ladies Auxillary which is active in most larger departments. If it is not,in your area,then get aquainted with other officers wives.It's usually a pretty close sisterhood which helps one another.


You indicate a normal concern about officer safety,as well.Although,by it's very nature it is a dangerous vocation, there are jobs which are more dangerous.Rest assured that officers are very well trained in whatever they may encounter.He will generally have back-up available.We all have heard horror stories of drinking and/or infidelity although it is NOT common.Any and all marriages which are worth keeping are worth working on.All marriages which are beautiful ,no matter the occupation involved, are a partnership rather than a male or female dominated affair.Unless you have already,go ahead and voice any concerns you may have,with him.


Much good fortune and feel free to contact any of us at any time.Hope we can help----Dave.

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

I am married to a thirty one year veteran cop. It will not be easy at first for you. I still find after all these years that I worry when he is late. He can't always answer his phone either. You love each other that is what counts. The biggest piece of advice I can give you. If he doesn't want to talk give him space. Keep it light. You will be fine. You got this:-)  

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

 Overwhelmed at how quick you all have responded.  Really makes me feel so much better after having such a negative outlook from so many people here, and dealing with so many people who just don't get it.  Feeling better already! Keep the advice coming and thank you for your support!

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

I also welcome you Alexis, to the PL community and your boyfriend upon graduation, to the LE family.  Like Uncle D, I am also not going to sugar coat anything.  I am just going to take it in a different but equally important direction.  It is no big secret that there is a very high divorce rate for those in the LE community.  Factors include many things, stress, lack of or loss of communication, lack of or loss of understanding, lack of or loss of trust to start.  One of the greatest factors for the significant other like yourself is the fear factor.  Fear over the types of calls he will be handling and the potential for danger or the greatest fear, the door knock or phone call that says or indicates something real bad happened.  It is a day we all dread regardless of which side of the fence we sit on.  For the spouse or significant other, and for some the families, it is a fear that often times leads to all of the other factors and ultimately the crumbling of the relationship.  When that dreadful day arrives, often times grief gives way to anger and the second guessing as to why the officer took the job in the first place and whether or not it was ultimately worth it in the end.  It is because of that fear that I do not always tell my wife just what my activities were.  You may sometimes see his not talking to you as the loss of communication I mentioned.  Trust me when I say that it is him trying to protect you and his relationship with you.  I can go on but I also know that I can not tell you how to prepare or live your lives as boyfriend / girlfriend.  I too hope that more spouses here in the community chime in as I believe their view is important and I can only speak for myself as the LE in the relationship.  All that said, you and yours need to have a relationship that has a solid foundation and learn to grow together through all of the adversity that may come your way and accelerated by his career choice.  I sure hope and pray that the two of you are successful as many are not.  I will give you a viewing assignment.  It has proven to be one of my favorite episodes of the old Dragnet TV show.  It shows the picture from both perspectives.  I hope you watch it and then share your thoughts and feelings with him and with us.


Here is the link (you will have to put the spaces back together):  www . hulu . com / watch / 55230#i0 , p72 , d0


If for some reason the link does not get you there, go to hulu dot com and look up Dragnet, season 4, episode 1, Personnel: The Shooting

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

 Thank you everyone for your support and honesty, I know it's not going to be easy, but I know that he is and will continue to make it well worth it.  It's great to know that I have some place to come to where I can get support from those who have and are currently going through the same situations.  


 


I watched that video, it was really a good example of both perspectives, unfortunately I'm currently more like the young wife from the episode, but i'm hoping with time I can become the older, more poised one.  Not going to lie--it definitely had me crying!

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

No shame in admitting that the episode made you cry...... Anyone who has lost a partner, close friend or family member knows what this is like.  I liked the episode because it showed the feelings and emotions from all sides.  Being a LEO is tough.  I can only guess that being the spouse of an LEO is equally as tough to say the least.

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

hello alexis and a very warm welcome to policelink, thank you for you introduction, you sound like a fine young lady and your man is indeed fortunate.  You have gotten some really great advice from some of the members and i cannot  add too much to what was said. The stress of the job,  the hours, low pay, you two passing each other as one goes to work and the other is going to  bed, the space he will need when he has come home after seeing all the horror, pain, suffering and depravity that this world has to offer.  Good luck in your life, career, and relationship. Seek out other women whose men are in law enforcement, hopefully some of the males on policelink will have their wives or girlfriends sit down on the computer and write you a few lines. best to you, remember, we are all here for you always.

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

Alexis, Welcome to Police Link, from Ohio!!


A lot of great advice here. The only thing I can really add from an LE point of view is quality time! Your time together as boyfriend/girlfriend or as husband/wife can become limited for a variety of reasons. It is vital to your relationship to make the most of that time together. When you both have a few days off together, disappear on a trip. Doesn't have to be far or even expensive. Just time for the two of you to be together away from the stresses of the job.


Additionally, even if you are a full time employee somewhere or working while raising a family; have a way to relieve the stress. Take up a good, relaxing hobby. Something to get your mind off of things. I cannot give you suggestions, but you know what your likes and dislikes are.


Communication is key. He may not be able to tell you about his day, but the two of you can still talk. A lot of couples draw apart, but work through it. If it becomes difficult to work on the relationship, don't be afraid to ask for guidance. Guidance can come in any number of forms: close friends, family, religious leaders (trained in counseling) or even professional counselors. Always keep in mind what brought you two together and never lose sight of that.


Best wishes to you both!!!


In GOD We Trust (All others get searched, then checked through NCIC)

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

A warm welcome to you and a congrads to the guy in your life. Most here know me as a hard, by the book,gruff 40 year sergeant. But I am a softy at heart. I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 35 years. She deserves a medal for living with me and the job. Just because two people enter a relationship they do not  become one person. Each of you are still  two  distinct individuals, with differing tastes, hobbies, likes and dislikes. Do not try to impose your will on each other. Just make time for each other together. Even if its 30 minutes. We all need our alone time but we need companionship also. That companionship should come without limits. Lord knows we cops just like to decompress. Hug our loved ones in silence. Talking about our day is NOT going to brighten our mood. Having you there, telling us you are there for us is what we need. Sometimes we want silence, sometimes talking. Sometimes go out for a movie. How do you know? We will tell you. Being a cop is  the most fun, most rewarding, most noble career I can think of. Very few can do this job. Be very proud that he can. You wear that pride openly. As far as safety, well, four times as many people die  in auto accidents every year than officers but you still get in that car and drive. We at least have a fighting chance. Remember, life is a journey, not an end result. 


""Life is a storm.. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes"
Alexander Dumas-The Count of Monte Christo

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

 Welcome, Alexis, from southeastern Pennsylvania. I'm bringing you a slightly different perspective; I can speak as a female who was in an LEO marriage, but I was the LEO. All the advice given to you is sound. Sometimes all he'll want to do when he gets home is hug you and not say a word. Your presence will be all he needs. Keep your interests and your friends; you ARE two different people and you need to have things to do on your own. Law enforcement is the most rewarding career there is and I do not regret one moment of my 31 years. Congratulations to you both; he is lucky to have you by his side.

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

Alexis and significant other welcome to the LEO family and to PL.
Bump what others have said, it will not be easy and in order for him to keep his head where it needs to be you will need to be supportive and be there for him. You think who will be there for you? As you said I'm sure he will be there for you when he can, but it's tough being a spouse of an officer, he is going to see things that you may not beable to fathom or want to know about and love and patience will prevail.

LEO is the second highest divorce rate next to the miitary, due to never being around, and seeing the tragedy in our world, but you guys can work through it and first chance you have talk with wives and girl friends / boy friends of other officers make the effort and that way you can draw strength from each other. Congrats and wishing you and yours all the best...

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

SkoolCop says ...



Dragnet, season 4, episode 1, Personnel: The Shooting


No shame in admitting that the episode made you cry...... Anyone who has lost a partner, close friend or family member knows what this is like. 



I watched it this afternoon; and yeah - it made me cry. Not afraid to admit it, either!


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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

My Name is rainer, I´m a former Police Sergeant(retired) from Germany. My Wife also was a Police officer too. During she worked in the day service, i was in the riot police. My unit were often in other federal countys. Sometimes it  was very dangerous. but she knows, that i was careful and come back to her  and our childs. But as far as your fears, I can calm you. You both love you, so the removal can doing nothing. Your friend has a good job. you strengthen him the back and he believes on you. but do not listen to other, who tell you that the friendship to an officer is bad. now I wish you both all the best in the hope that i could do somethings against your fear and have hit the right words and topic. sorry for my bad english.

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

after being away for many month i thought i would drop in. looks like our little missy has some issues. well briefly, gal, you are either all in or not. if you cant support him in his work, your relationship is doomed. guaranteed.

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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

I am a civilian.  I could never be married to a cop.  I lack the courage!  But I will chime in here.  I have observed pressures that come to bear on the military wife during multiple deployments.  When a woman's husband is away at war, she has to keep busy.  She handles the household and child-rearing expertly.  She also has to weigh her reactions to things when she communicates with him overseas.  She learns what to trouble him with and what to handle alone. Timing is everything.  A good wife develops grit.


A military wife has to be very patient when her husband returns from war.  The waiting is tough.  The silence is tough.  The not knowing is tough. 


My grandmother said, "They also serve who wait."


 It may help you to think of yourself as also serving.  For surely you shall.  You must summon great courage.  You must develop a special form of stamina and emotional poise.  Your needs and boundaries as well as the children's are equally important to make known.  Don't capitulate to him out of hand. Time your battles and fight fair for the sake of your marital happiness.  Never engage in marital conflict as your spouse is headed out the door.  It may cause him to be preoccupied.  Preoccupation can be a distraction.  Distraction can increase risk.  Remember affection solves many issues or at least diminishes tension enough to solve them together.


I expect every cop wife is apprehensive to a greater or lesser extent, even the most seasoned.  Learning to cope is just that - a learning experience.  You will grow. 


Deefuzzz' advice is topnotch - excellent. 


Deefuzzz says ...



 Welcome, Alexis, from southeastern Pennsylvania. I'm bringing you a slightly different perspective; I can speak as a female who was in an LEO marriage, but I was the LEO. All the advice given to you is sound. Sometimes all he'll want to do when he gets home is hug you and not say a word. Your presence will be all he needs. Keep your interests and your friends; you ARE two different people and you need to have things to do on your own. Law enforcement is the most rewarding career there is and I do not regret one moment of my 31 years. Congratulations to you both; he is lucky to have you by his side.


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Rate This | Posted about 2 years ago

 

I'm been in a LEO marriage for 22 yrs. Although, like Dee, I'm the LEO. It takes work on both sides, and sometimes, he isn't going to have the emotional reserves to work on the home front. When those times come, remember, he's being difficult to protect you from what he has to deal with on the street. You've gotten a lot of good advice here. Even though Enigma can be awfully terse, he's right, your either all in or your not. It is daunting, especially at your age, to come to the realization of what it means to love a LEO. Good luck, if you can handle it, you will be such an asset to you future husband. If you are scared, come back here and talk to some of our seasoned wives (KCECALA) is awesome ! and lets be real she  has put up with her LEO for a LONG time. ( yes she was child bride LOL)


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