Group Forums >> It's Time for a Good laugh! >> One liners

+2

One liners

1,773 Views
57 Replies Flag as inappropriate
Cat-in-santa-hat_max50

5364 posts

back to top

Posted over 2 years ago

 

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

 


Photobucket

~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

Cat-in-santa-hat_max50

5364 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

What's another word for Thesaurus?

 


Photobucket

~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

White_shirt_max50

5092 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Was Roy Rogers trigger happy?


Geo Metro has a new anti theft device on their cars. They're  making the letters taller.


A grasshopper goes into a bar and the bartender tellls him we have a drink named after you. The grasshopper says you have a drink named Steve.


 

0 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 My ancestors didn't spend the last 2 million years clawing their way to the top of the food chain, for me to become a vegetarian.

Th_detective_max50

5076 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

My wife ran off with my best friend.......I sure do miss him!


 


"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
Steve Jobs

Retleo (MODERATOR #8)
Mentoring Team Member

Suit_max50

489 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 A woman once stole my heart in Paris; much nicer than my trip to Cancun when someone stole my kidney.

0 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

You know it's time to diet and exercise when.......you try to do a few push ups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

Th_detective_max50

5076 posts

back to top
+2

Rated +2 | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist Monk who refused Novocaine during a root canal procedure?  His goal?....... transcend dental medication!


"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
Steve Jobs

Retleo (MODERATOR #8)
Mentoring Team Member

Mr-natural_1__max50

2231 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

"When someone starts one of these threads it's only a matter of time before it devolves into a Carlin quote fest." -Me


I'll start (what sucks is some of the best ones are NSFPL):


If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.


~George Carlin


 




Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Mr-natural_1__max50

2231 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Retleo's quote got me thinking that the Carlin quote fest should be postponed for a bit...


A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.




Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

-15 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 You just because your in the church makes you a christian? Does standing in the garage make you a car?

Suit_max50

489 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 I don't know why that guy ran off with my bike, would have been easier to ride off with it.

Mr-natural_1__max50

2231 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 Don't steal! The government hates competition.




Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nqdz7m_max50

8524 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

A true friend stabs you in the front.


Oscar Wilde

-15 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 A bad boss is like a diaper always on your butt, and full of chit.

Batman_max600_1__max50

3575 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

A dyslexic agnostic, wonders is there really a dog.


Bad stuff happens to good people, handle it and overcome.
My motto for life:
Let go and let GOD,
Only HE can control everything.

Nqdz7m_max50

8524 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.


-Wilde

Nqdz7m_max50

8524 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.

Cat-in-santa-hat_max50

5364 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.


Photobucket

~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

Cat-in-santa-hat_max50

5364 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.


Photobucket

~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

Mr-natural_1__max50

2231 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.




Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nqdz7m_max50

8524 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.


Mark Twain

Little_cat_on_christmas_eve_max50

2553 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 No use being dumb and stupid unless you can show it. 


YaYa Sister
"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize"-voltaire

Suit_max50

489 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

 There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Caduceus_max50

2196 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

It takes an intelligent person, to wisely answer, a dumb question.


That's too much like intelligence.


Work is curse of the drinking class - Oscar Wilde


Quis custodiet ipsos custodes.
Troll Hunter, "Doc", LEO Supporter.
It's not the falling down, it's the staying down.

-15 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Nqdz7m_max50

8524 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Flattery is the infantry of negotiation.


Lord Chandos

Nqdz7m_max50

8524 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 2 years ago

 

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Nqdz7m_max50

8524 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around is he still wrong?

Cat-in-santa-hat_max50

5364 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Yes!


Photobucket

~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

Next Page >