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One liners

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Vpsomourningband_max50

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Posted over 2 years ago

 

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

 


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~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

Vpsomourningband_max50

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What's another word for Thesaurus?

 


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~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

White_shirt_max50

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Rated +1 | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Was Roy Rogers trigger happy?


Geo Metro has a new anti theft device on their cars. They're  making the letters taller.


A grasshopper goes into a bar and the bartender tellls him we have a drink named after you. The grasshopper says you have a drink named Steve.


 

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 My ancestors didn't spend the last 2 million years clawing their way to the top of the food chain, for me to become a vegetarian.

Th_detective_max50

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My wife ran off with my best friend.......I sure do miss him!


 


"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
Steve Jobs

Retleo (MODERATOR #8)
Mentoring Team Member

Suit_max50

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 A woman once stole my heart in Paris; much nicer than my trip to Cancun when someone stole my kidney.

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You know it's time to diet and exercise when.......you try to do a few push ups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

Th_detective_max50

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Rated +2 | Posted over 2 years ago

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist Monk who refused Novocaine during a root canal procedure?  His goal?....... transcend dental medication!


"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
Steve Jobs

Retleo (MODERATOR #8)
Mentoring Team Member

Mr-natural_1__max50

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"When someone starts one of these threads it's only a matter of time before it devolves into a Carlin quote fest." -Me


I'll start (what sucks is some of the best ones are NSFPL):


If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.


~George Carlin


 




Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Mr-natural_1__max50

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Retleo's quote got me thinking that the Carlin quote fest should be postponed for a bit...


A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.




Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

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 You just because your in the church makes you a christian? Does standing in the garage make you a car?

Suit_max50

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 I don't know why that guy ran off with my bike, would have been easier to ride off with it.

Mr-natural_1__max50

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 Don't steal! The government hates competition.




Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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A true friend stabs you in the front.


Oscar Wilde

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 A bad boss is like a diaper always on your butt, and full of chit.

Batman_max600_1__max50

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A dyslexic agnostic, wonders is there really a dog.


Bad stuff happens to good people, handle it and overcome.
My motto for life:
Let go and let GOD,
Only HE can control everything.

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.


-Wilde

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.

Vpsomourningband_max50

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 The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.


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~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

Vpsomourningband_max50

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 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.


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~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

Mr-natural_1__max50

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 The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.




Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.


Mark Twain

Copy_of_oct3_2012_max50

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 No use being dumb and stupid unless you can show it. 


YaYa Sister

Suit_max50

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 There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Caduceus_max50

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It takes an intelligent person, to wisely answer, a dumb question.


That's too much like intelligence.


Work is curse of the drinking class - Oscar Wilde


Quis custodiet ipsos custodes.
Troll Hunter, "Doc", LEO Supporter.
It's not the falling down, it's the staying down.

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Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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Flattery is the infantry of negotiation.


Lord Chandos

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around is he still wrong?

Vpsomourningband_max50

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Yes!


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~I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized I was somebody. ~ unknown

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