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Fiance of a soon to be police officer, i need advice!

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Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Hi, my name is Kristin, and I am a fiance of a soon to be police officer. He is currently in the academy now, and will graduate in December, I am very new to all this and I would like all the advice I can get!

Andrea_and_i_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Welcome to PL from Wisconsin. One of the best tips that I can give to you is to be flexible and understanding. You will find that the job will not be a nine to five type of job and that when your fiance gets home, there are many events during the day in which he may not want to or may not be able to share. Also since he is just finishing the academy, you also have to be aware that completing the academy no longer guarantees a slot, and that the hiring process can be painful and arduous at times as well. Both of you keep your heads up and best of luck to you.

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

He is being sponsored from a police department in our town, so when he gets done with the academy, he will go to work for them soon thereafter.  Im very new to this lifestyle, but it is something he is very passionate about, so I definitely support it 200%. Ive already noticed there are some days when he comes home from the academy, and he is exhausted, and does not want to talk about his day. I tell him "ok, and im here for you if you do need to talk about it." I try my best to be understanding, and flexible, I pretty much go with the flow most of the time.


Im curious as to what changes relationships undergo when they have a police spouse?

Eagle_and_flag_max50

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Rated +1 | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Welcome to Police Link, Kristin!! Hello from Ohio!!


There will be changes to your relationship, there is no doubt about that. Your Fiance will change. Being an LEO is not a "job" or just a "career"; it's a way of life. He will become an LEO and carry those traits with him 24/7. Hopefully, he will learn early on to leave work stuff at work, and leave home stuff at home. Constantly transferring the 2 can (not always, but sometimes) have disastrous results to a relationship. Like Cory said, there are many events he may not want to talk about, or even be permitted to talk about. In those times, be patient with him, but support him. He needs to know you are there for him at the end of a long stressful day.


Without knowing his age or his lifestyle, he needs to develop a way to relieve his stress as soon as he is out of the academy (if not before). A good hobby is always a suggestion (alcohol is never the answer). I do Genealogy and Motorcycle Riding to relieve stress. Everyone is different.


I wish you both the very best of luck!!!


In GOD We Trust (All others get searched, then checked through NCIC)

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Welcome to the family to both you and your fiance. The best thing I can tell you is when he comes home , just give him a big hug, hold him tight for a minute and then give him some decompression time. Life is NOT easy as a spouse of a LEO ( just ask my husband lol) If he wants to talk, just listen, if not, don't push. We see some UGLY things. He will probably be like most male leo's and want to insulate you from those things. Don't worry about that, it's a good thing. Make friends with other LEO wives, the ones who are HAPPILY married. Listen to what has worked for them.


PL's Mamacat

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

I think being a cop is harder on my wife than me.  Ive learned how to deal with all the garbage.  When she sees me, she says she forgets I'm a cop, cuz I'm just me.  Thats nice to hear.  Ive been doing it almost 20 yrs. Ive had the nightmares, political fights, etc.  With time, you do learn to leave work at work, but it does take time to learn how to do that.  What I've learned over time is talk, talk, talk, you'll never understand why some things happen the way they do, we dont either, we just know that theres always another day, another tragedy, comedy, etc.  In the same way, your cop spouse may forget why it is that you dont understand his stories the way he does.  Just listen and talk to each other and dont forget what brought you together in the first place, cuz thats what really matters.

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Welcome to PL from San Bernardino, Ca, as someone who had been sworn and is non sworn now, it will be hard but as everyone says take it day by day and be there for him. He will be stressing while going through the academy and phrase training, so give him his space and be understanding. He will see things that will bother him, so let him know he can talk to you, and your willing listen. If he doesn't, don't push!  If possible try to go on a ride along with other Officers, to get a idea to what he's exposed too and as Cat D says make friends with other LEO wives. There will be lots of changes along the way, so hang in there and work through them. Wishing you and your fiance the very best.

White_shirt_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Keep in mind the Tammy Wynette song " Stand by your man". The main thing is communication. Congratulations on your engagement.

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

I love that song!  


My guess is that being married to a cop is no different than any other occupation when it comes to handling conflict productively.  Conflict arises in healthy marriages as a matter of course.  Good communication is everything.  


A healthy marriage should not revolve around one partner's great skill at capitulating in order to accomodate everything to his or her spouse's stressful job.  Good negotiation and fair and peaceful resolution might be even more critical in a happy marriage to a cop.  So is keeping stress out of both your LEO husband's and YOUR OWN duty day!


Flexibility is a two-way street. 

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Could anyone tell me what yall think are the basic key elements of being a LEO spouse? What are the important traits needed to make a LEO marriage work?

Silver_warrior_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Key elements. . . . .I'm sure they will vary depending on who you talk to.


1:  The ability to listen without making judgements.  There are things that officers do out of necessity and not because they are pretty or because the officer has the time to "understand" why the other person is doing what they are doing.


2:  Take note of a "baseline" attitude towards things or people.  VERY important here because if you notice serious changes in how they deal with conflict at home or with others and it has changed dramatically (and not towards the good) from when you started knowing this person, then there may have been a traumatic incident that is eating at them.  THIS is what causes many divorces and even suicides.  Police officers often keep troubling things bottled up thinking they can handle them when all it does is wear them down to the point of dispair.  Try to make family friends with partners and their families.  Many times, you will learn of things through these friendships than from your spouse only because the officer is trying to keep you insulated (as was stated in an earlier post).


3:  Support for your spouse can come in many different forms.  "Talking" things out is not always an option.  If the case they are working on is "sensitive" then they are unable to speak with ANYONE about it.  Just knowing that you are there can be enough of a stress reliever to keep everything in perspective.


4:  Find things AWAY from the police life to do to remind them that there is a life beyond police work.  Remember that this job has the ability to find its way into the family life.  There will be people out there that your spouse has arrested and then meet in public out of uniform with the family.  If the spouse gets a little "hinkey" while out and about, it could be because they recognized one of these people and doesn't want work and family life to meet in that environment.  Yes, you may ask why something had to happen a certain way. . . . .but not at the moment that it is happening.  This can cause even more stress and bring more trouble with unwanted attention at the wrong time.


5:  Realize that many of YOUR friends may leave your side because your spouse is now an officer.  That is their choice and should be an indicator of what type of friend they were.  If it happens, then that person was not worth you time either.


While there are many little things that can and will be added to this list, these are the things that jump to mind at the moment.  Good luck with the endeavors.  It can a rewarding lifestyle. . . . if it is understood and worked around.  But it should not consume either yours, nor his every waking moment.  There needs to be some time away and time for just the two of you.  Just try to keep both you and him honest with your dealings with each other and understanding as to why things are occuring they way they do.


I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them.

John Bernard Books, from "The Shootist"

100_1750_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

I have been married to a LEO for a long time. It is a beautiful thing! The best advice is to let them talk and the ability to walk away when they don`t. I have never taken it personally when my husband seems to be distant. I just chatter away about my day and the kids. I also don`t take it personally when he isn`t home on time. I love my husband unconditionally. The good the bad and the ugly! Good luck to you sweetie and congrats..........

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Good evening Kristin and welcome to Police Link from Missouri.I am in no position to give you advice as I have never been married to a leo  and those who have spoken are much wiser than I.

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

He's just really passionate about this, and I want to be there in everyway possible for him. Just a few of my friends are the only people who have "Warned" me about how high the divorce rates are, and how being a LEO will take over ours lives. I dont want those things to happen, thats why early on Im trying to learn what I can do to be a supportive spouse.

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

 I can say that i had just gotten  married when i went into the Academy  after i was involved in a shooting it took a toll on me and she was not  supporitve at all in which it caused my divorce. I remarried 2yrs later too a woman that had nothing but th e up most support for me and my career, i married a school teacher. So what am saying to you is be very supportive of HIM he will need it. Oh yes and welcome to the LEO family..GOD BLESS the both of you and may God watch over him when he hits the streets... My wife says that go to (Wives behind the badge.com) .

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

COMMUNICATE!


Remember to do as much listening as you do talking.


The last guy I dated really could take himself out of the situation. Such as if I was grouchy or mean, he would often ask me what I was upset about and what I needed from him.


BUT SAME GOES FOR HIM TOO!!


He went through a rough time right after I did, and I ended up feeling very selfish because I didn't allot him the same courtesy.


Good Luck and Congrats!

100_1750_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Don`t get too caught up in what others say to you. You sound like you are getting spooked. The divorce rate is high regardless. You two love each other. You have gotten some excellent advice on here. You can PM me anytime you feel the need to talk.

Thi_seal_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Welcome Aboard from Alabama!


I would advise you to purchase the book "I Love a Cop" by Dr. Ellen Kirshman, Ph.D. I would also recommend that your fiance' read the book as well. Also, I'll echo what others have said, COMMUNICATE with each other. There are obviously things that I don't share with my wife about my job, but for the most part I share most of what goes on (edited for content in some cases). Once he graduates the academy things are going to change. Most likely he will always be armed (even at church) and there may come times when he has to get involved in something off duty. It all comes with "the job". You both will notice that some "old" friends no longer associate with y'all because he is a cop. If you go to YouTube and search for the "Sgt. Joe Friday speech" you might find a vintage clip of "Sgt Friday's" advice to a new officer, I'll see if I can find a link and post it. Best of luck to you both.


PL Mentoring Team Member

My day begins when yours ends.

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Hi Kristin, Welcome to PL from Spain.


As you can see this is a very big great "FAMILY". I have to agree with all the coments posted here, the most important thing (to me) as a LEO is that when I arrive home i get all the peace and comprension at home that I can keep relaxed. I am lucky that my wife is also a LEO, so she understand all the things i have at work, and so I with her.


If you have any doubts ask in here...


Regards, and a lot of wishes for you and your boyfriend


"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. " Matthew 5:9

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Redlight - 'Alloting the same courtesy'.  You are soooo right on!  Reciprocity.  It's what it's about.

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

I have been married to a LEO for 26 years now.  We have been through the acadamy and all the glory of exams for promotions; and I say we because it took both partners to make things work while he was in the acadamy and studying.  However, this is only the beginning.  I don't want to scare you off but understand that things will change.  You will find that  if he is a LEO in your community, he will more than likely be very guarded on what he tells you or be very protective of you when you are going out alone.  This is very common and it is not that he is trying to keep "tabs" on you and if you understand that it will be alot easier.  Give him the courtesy of telling him where you are going, what you are doing, and when you will return.  This will ease is mind while he is on the job.  Also do not be a spouse that is constantly ringing the phone while he is on duty.  Remember that he has a job to do and a little distraction, such as a phone ringing, could be fatal at any given time.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, tell him you love him and to be safe, EVERYTIME he walks out that door.  Regardless if he is going to be on duty or not, because you never know what can happen and there really is no such thing as an off duty LEO.  If something comes up they will react.  He will need down time, fun time and family time and not necessarily in that order.  Be understanding when he has to take a call and leave the dinner table, or have someone pick you up from where you are because he has had an emergency.  Your family and friends will need to be supportive also of the both of you.  DO NOT GOSSIP, do not repeat what he has told you.  The things that he tells you need to stay with you, unless he has told you that you could tell someone else!!!!!  When you hear things in the community, do not be demanding and want to know why you had to hear it from someone else.  If it was something that you needed to know, he would have told you.  Do not be jealous of other females.  In a small community everyone will get to know him and they will more than likely speak to him when you are seen out in public.  He should respond as that is what community policing is all about.  This does not mean that he is cheating on you (that is important).  Remember that in order to take care of him, you need to take care of yourself too.  Trust him and love him.  Always remember, if you dig long enough, you will find something, so don't dig!  Take care and God Bless.  Welcome to our Family. 

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

There is a good book called I love a Cop.  A lot of good info in there.  There is also another book called Emmotinal Survival for Law Enforcement.  You should BOTH read that. 


 


http://www.amazon.com/Love-Cop-What-Police-Families/dp/1572301937


 


http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403/ref=pd_sim_b1

Boat_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Not a Leo or a Leo wife but I think all the advice is good advice... any career can be stressful I personally think if you love him enough to stand by him and support him you've already beaten some of the odds by your posting it sounds like you are fully committed to the role of being a LEO's wife... I would say just give him time when he gets home to decompress from the days events, have a open ear, and a gentle touch. Leos are exposed to a lot of ugly things, things that stick with them for a long time. I have a lot of leo friends and they have mentioned the book " Bullets in the washing machine"...I'm not sure of the author though but it's written by a wife of a officer. I would'nt listen to other peoples opions to much either if you love him and support him you will be ok.. that love and support will and can conquer a lot of trials..just my two cent best of luck!!


In Life we should experience an adventure that will create a memory worth repeating.....unknown.....

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Someone had to write a book called "Bullets in the Washing Machine"? I thought EVERYBODY had that problem !!!


PL's Mamacat

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Awww NAW, Cat!  You gave away the title of your autobiography!  Quick delete the post!!


Not to be a Stepford Wife, but learn to create fabulous sandwiches. 

Nado_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

ah I love a good sandwich, can someone pass that advice to my finace' lol

Calico_jack_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Rule #1 You do not need to know everything.


Rule #2 When he says he needs sleep let him sleep.


Rule #3 Try to keep his hours if your work will allow. Once there are kids he may have alot of alone time.


Rule #4 If he snaps at you keep in mind why there is a rule 1, 2, and 3


drink up me 'arties yo ho

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AARGH ye be prepared to kiss the gunners daughter if I be crossed

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Rate This | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

 Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!  Remember, this is a job unlike most others.


1)  His work and his hours won't be 'normal,' because he's new.  He'll get the crappy jobs the other cops can avoid due to seniority.


2) Have a life outside of his.  There may be plenty of times when he just won't be home during times you want to go out with friends.


    Go anyway!  Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself and the work hours of his job, that won't do either of you any good at all.


3)  Sometimes, you'll need to remind him that it's just a JOB.  A demanding one, sure enough, but still, it's just a JOB.


4)  When you have kids, make plans to either be away with the kids or be able to keep the house quiet when he needs his sleep.


      Sleep is essential, especially when you work the night shift.


5) Schedule time for all of you to be together for family events; major vacations, birthdays, holidays.  He might have to break those


     promises to be with the family on those holidays (job obligations) and birthdays, but hold him to the the major vacations.   


6)  If God is a part of your lives, keep Him there.  LE marriages are stressful, you'll need all the help He will provide!

Female_bodysurfer_max50

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Rated +1 | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Wait!  Marriage is a two-way street.  Enough already on all the cop wife's rules! 


I keep checking back to see the rules HE'LL have to stick to! 

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Rated +1 | Posted almost 3 years ago

 

Marly that is a great thought but the question was advice for her. LOL


When we asked for advice of what to do to keep him in line we will post in the restricted section after all we cannot share our weakness with the general public.


Afterall Lois never told us how to keep Clark on his P's & Q's.


drink up me 'arties yo ho

avast ye don't ask we be friends if 10 post we not shared

AARGH ye be prepared to kiss the gunners daughter if I be crossed

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