PoliceLink Feedback & Feature Requests >> From the Desk of TheSarge >> LEO Job Descriptions (Tongue-n-Cheek)

+10

LEO Job Descriptions (Tongue-n-Cheek)

1,503 Views
25 Replies Flag as inappropriate
Just_passin__thru_max50

5987 posts

back to top

Posted almost 4 years ago

 

People have asked about how to get into some some special LEO units. I hope this list provides some insight:


Narcotics

-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.

-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.

-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.

-Make every case involve overtime $$$.

-Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime.

-Learn to play golf drunk.


SWAT

-Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots every day.

-Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.

-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.

-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.

-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.

-Learn to play golf wearing a gun.


Community Service units

-Hate SWAT

-Work to make everybody love you.

-Paint your office in pastel colors.

-Think Feng Shui.

-Subscribe to Psychology Today.

-Learn to play miniature golf.


Traffic units

-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.

-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.

-Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.

-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.

-Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.

-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.


K-9 Units

-Become sadistic

-Show pictures of your latest dog bite

-Brag about your largest drug find

-Smell like a dog

-Workout 3 times a day

-Show off your bruises


Administrative Units

-Three-hour lunches every day, tell everybody it's a "meeting".

-Upgrade department cell phone every month.

-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.

-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.

-Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.


Patrol Units

-Has nerves of steel.

-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.

-Inability to keep mouth shut.

-Has defining tastes in alcohol.

-Is respected by peers.

-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot


FTO

-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear

-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary

-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day


Investigators

-Come in at 0800

-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030

-Work from 1030 to Noon

-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch

-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.


Patrol Sergeant

-Remembers very well "how we used to do it."

-Always willing to tell his officers the above.

-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.

-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."


Trainee

-Unable to grow facial hair.

-Watches every episode of Cops.

-Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.

-Arrives for work three hours early.

-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.

-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.


Feds

- Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut).

- Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).

- Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks "to discuss your a new case."

- After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc., to "properly utilize your superior tactical skills."

- After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about "long term undercover" jobs.

- Refuse to play golf with "the locals."


New Corrections Officers

- Show up for work 15 minutes early

- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2)

- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform

- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility

- Become friends with every local police officer


Court Security

-Say you don’t want to work patrol anyway, but monitor the PD's dispatcher channel while in courtroom

-Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized

-Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials

-Consider the Public Defenders’ Christmas party the high point of the year


Defensive Tactics Instructors

-Starts stretching before making arrest

-Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick

-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton

-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist


(Credit goes to my old FTO)


The Guy !
Photobucket

Honoring the Fallen

Th_detective_max50

5076 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

Yup, pretty much covers it!


"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
Steve Jobs

Retleo (MODERATOR #8)
Mentoring Team Member

-7 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

Andrea_and_i_max50

1374 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

Bump!

B1001_max50

5 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

Haha thats awesome!

Just_passin__thru_max50

5987 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

bump


The Guy !
Photobucket

Honoring the Fallen

Female_bodysurfer_max50

8159 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

Thwok!


Vegas-1-28-2011__51__max50

205 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

wow

Vegas-1-28-2011__51__max50

205 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

wow

Nag_max50

1902 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

Bump

Eagle_and_flag_max50

7958 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

 BUMP!!!!!!


This is funny, but accurate, too!!!  (lmao)


In GOD We Trust (All others get searched, then checked through NCIC)

MODERATOR #10

Photobucket

IN HONOR OF OUR FALLEN

Camndad_max50

721 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 4 years ago

 

I believe I have found tonight's roll call training.


"Service, justice, fundamental fairness-these are the foundational principles in which every police action must be grounded. The nobility of policing demands the noblest of character. "
-Dr. Stephen R. Covey

PL Mentoring Team Member

Nintendo_max50

881 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 3 years ago

 

This is great!!!!  There seems to be quite a bit of truth here which makes it even funnier!!


"I have a strict gun control policy. If there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it."

- Clint Eastwood

Fake_sunset_max50

93 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

haha bump

Camndad_max50

721 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

This may be going viral...I got it in an email forwarded by deputies at the local sheriff's office today.


"Service, justice, fundamental fairness-these are the foundational principles in which every police action must be grounded. The nobility of policing demands the noblest of character. "
-Dr. Stephen R. Covey

PL Mentoring Team Member

Heores_max50

252 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 3 years ago

 

Amazing! Thanks for the laugh Sarge


Kendra
"Integrity first, service before self, excellence in all we do."

Photo_user_blank_big

7 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

 I wish it wasn't so true. But it is what it is. LOL

Cute_max50

410 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

 LMFAO....the DT instructor one made me pee my pants.  Isn't there something about overly tight t shirts to go with that job too....*SNORT*.  I gotta forward this to A LOT of people.....bwaaaaahahahahhahahahah!


If you don't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them.

Newpatch_sq90_max50

6021 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

how true it is


Photobucket
In Memory of the Fallen Officers

MODERATOR 3

Trot_copy_max50

2877 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

I love it! Thank you for sharing!


I'd love to have a battle of wits with you, but you appear unarmed.

Heart_max50

1243 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

 That is so funny... Thank you for sharing!  It all makes sense now :O)


Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today’s world do not have.

Ronald Reagan

-16 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

.........Love it!!!

Photo_user_blank_big

2 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

DT instructors...


Done it.  When someone starts to resist, now THAT's a good training opportunity!

37708_1589462055203_1195388168_1632513_308532_n_max50

735 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

haha awesome


Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.- C.S. Lewis

Photo_user_blank_big

27 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 3 years ago

 

LOL!