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Police-19_max50

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Posted over 6 years ago

 

Hey guys I thought this would be alittle easier for posting jokes. We all know that a cop loves a good joke and you all post some great ones. I have noticed that they get lost in the mix of the boards so I was had this wonderful idea post all of your jokes and comments under here.

Thank You,

Tx_LawMan / Moderator #6


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Mmp_race_04

2948 posts

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+7

Rated +7 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Subject: The Marine

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl of hot spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,
"Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the
scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I
was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, "Now, I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader, "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Sergeant.

So, the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but
rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 MM pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with
gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Sergeant was gathering up his things, Rather and Couric asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot
them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What?" replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?!"

Tahoe2_max50

407 posts

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+7

Rated +7 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Red Necks know how to git r done.

"Hello, is this the Sheriffs office?"
"Yes, what can I do for you?"
"I'm callin bout my neighbour, Virgil Smith....He's hidin marijuana inside his firewood. Don't quite know how he gets it inside them there logs, but he's hidin it there!"
"Thankyou very much for the call sir."
The next day the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marajuana. They warn Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgils house.
"Hey Virgil, this here is Floyd...Did the Sheriff come today?"
"Yeah"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Happy Birthday Buddy!"

Mmp_race_04

2948 posts

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+6

Rated +6 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

6:00 am - At last! I go pee! My favorite thing!

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm -Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Blue_line_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

2 good ole boys who had been drinking all day, were riding down the street when they noticed a DUI check point ahead. They had a12 pack in the car and pulled over wondering what to do. They couldn't turn around so the passenger says to his friend, "hurry drink them all down" the driver says what for, "just do it" So they drank all of the beer. The passenger tells his buddy now remove the label and stick it on your forehead. So the driver does this and rolls up to the check point. The officer says "You boys been drinin tonight" No sir we're on the patch!

Alabama_stone_capital_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (That's True)

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Newpatch_sq90_max50

5991 posts

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+2

Rated +2 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At about 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm very sorry to disturb you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own _ _ _ _ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End


Photobucket
In Memory of the Fallen Officers

MODERATOR 3

Sparkle_girl_max50

2539 posts

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

TommyO said:

Subject: The Marine

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl of hot spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,
"Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the
scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I
was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, "Now, I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader, "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Sergeant.

So, the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but
rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 MM pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with
gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Sergeant was gathering up his things, Rather and Couric asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot
them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What?" replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?!"

lmao.....now thats a Marine for you!! =-)


I Don't look back for long, I keep looking Forward!
From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.

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+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Have you heard about the new Pirate movie?

It's rated RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :)

Sparkle_girl_max50

2539 posts

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

TommyO said:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

6:00 am - At last! I go pee! My favorite thing!

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm -Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Wow!!....is that what my cats really think about me?? =-(


I Don't look back for long, I keep looking Forward!
From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.

Sparkle_girl_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

I will have to say, this one brought more giggles .....I loved it.


I Don't look back for long, I keep looking Forward!
From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.

Glock_tiger_17_max50

1772 posts

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+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Theres three moles the daddy, momma, and little boy mole. There tunneling through ground to try to pop out next to this BBQ thats going on in New Mexico. After a few days of tunneling the daddy mole stops and says, "well yall I think were here! I can smell BBQ", the Momma says," I dont what your talking about all i smell is dirt and worms". the daddy asked the little boy mole, "son what do you smell?", the little mole said, " all I can smell is Molasses!"


Everything you do can get you killed, including doing nothing at all..

Knightthinblueline_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Police-19_max50

1827 posts

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
Did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
The teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
Exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front
Of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
Offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all
Night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
Other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
To ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
And is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was
Too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."


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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

TommyO said:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

6:00 am - At last! I go pee! My favorite thing!

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm -Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Hilarious, funny thing is my cat seems to look at me in this way.

Police-19_max50

1827 posts

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+2

Rated +2 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John
Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could
throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10
bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, ’ Such big shots back there. I could throw all of them out the window and make 156 million people very happy.'


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+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

ajt said:

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (That's True)

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

One more:
25. Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people.

138f8481-ffcf-4a8d-a670-1d1606d5df00_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

they were all funny LMAO


"spirit has fifty times the strength and staying power of brawn and muscle" unknown

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+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

How do you tell if a politican is lying?

There mouth is moving.

Me_took_for_allen_015_max50

199 posts

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+5

Rated +5 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

> > WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
> >
> > This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from
> > typing the wrong email address!!!!
> >
> >
> > A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw
> > out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to
> > stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
> > 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was
> > difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the
> > husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
> > with his wife f lying down the following day. The
> > husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in
> > his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
> > However, he accidentally left out one letter in her
> > email address, and without realizing his error, sent
> > the email.
> >
> > Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just
> > returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a
> > minister who was called home to glory following a heart
> > attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
> > messages from relatives and friends. After reading the
> > first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's
> > son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
> > floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
> >
> > To: My Loving Wife
> > Subject: I've Arrived
> > Date: October 16, 2005 > >
> > I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
> > computers here now and you are allowed to send emails
> > to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been
> > checked in. I'v e seen that everything has been prepared
> > for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
> > you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine
> > was.
> >
> > P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!


Chris Agostarola

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my2.tupperware.com/tweety22371
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http://stores.alibris.com/tweeters
http://www.thegypsypeddlerswagon.com/jamaffiliates/jrox.p

Scan0003_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

LOL

Sparkle_girl_max50

2539 posts

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

TRAFFIC STOP

1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: What did she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: Nah, she had one headlight out."


I Don't look back for long, I keep looking Forward!
From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.

-714 posts

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+2

Rated +2 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Military Wisdom......

'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed'
- U.S. Air Force Manual
-------------------------
'Aim towards the Enemy'
- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
----------------------------
'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.'
- U.S. Marine Corps
-----------------------------
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed always to hit the ground.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
---------------------------------------- -----------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------------
'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.'
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------------
'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)
----------------------------------------------------
'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S. Army Ordnance
----------------------------------------------------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds'
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------
'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.'
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
----------------------------------------------------
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.'
- David Hackworth
-----------------------------------------------------
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'
- Inf antry Journal
-----------------------------
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.'
- Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper, Once.'
- unknown
---- --------------------------------------------------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'
------------------------
'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.'
- USAF Am mo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
----------------------------------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-------------- --------------
'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky.'
- From an old carrier sailor
---------------------------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
--------------------------
'When one engine fails on a twin-en gine airplane, you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
---------------------------
'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expen sive flying
club.'
-----------------------------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'
-----------------------------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-- --------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
-------------------------
'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'
--------------------------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the
flight successfully.'
-------------------------
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
---------------------------
'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store
dead batteries.'
-----------------------------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on t he ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it.'
----------- ------------------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum.'
- Jon McBride, astronaut
-------------------------------------------------------
'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible.'
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
-----------------------------
'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit.'
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------
'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver tha n you.'
-------------------'
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
-----------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there.'
-----------------------------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.'
---------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's
reply,
'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
***************

Blunt words can have a sharp edge

Sparkle_girl_max50

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DUI
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly roudy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0
Puzzled the officer demanded to know how that could be. The dirver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." =-)


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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Nobody Listens Anymore

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."


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Sparkle_girl_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

LOL...good one!


I Don't look back for long, I keep looking Forward!
From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.

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Rated +1 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

this is so wrong. but yet SOOOOOOO right!!!!!!


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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

The Revised Miranda Rights Version 1

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.

2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.

3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.

4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.

5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.

6. Good luck. On your mark, get set….GO!!!!!


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Rated +1 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3

You are under arrest and....

1. No, I don't care who you are.

2. No, I don't care who you know.

3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.

4. Yes... you CAN have my job.

5. No, I don't have anything better to do.

6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.

7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in
any ethnic group/race).

8. No, I can't give you a break.

9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.

10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.

11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.

12. No, we can't talk about it.

13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.

14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________


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Rated +1 | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Deputy Gomer
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer-who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out of the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself,"That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter"T?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for awhile?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


I Don't look back for long, I keep looking Forward!
From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.

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