Do I have to bring my own pillow?

Nah, GT, I'll let you share mine. I'll cut it in half- its a huge soft fluffy one. (You don't snore, do you? Do I need earplugs?) LOL

Just a "short" story to make you smile today.

11 people on a rope:

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and
one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

I see a trend in your "jokes".

ah c'mon guys , well i got one for you maybe it will redeem us gals .
there once was these two isalnds , on one the island were a group of cats and on the other a group of roosters . now on the island with the roosters was all the cat food and on the island with the cats was the chicken food . well one day these two roosters were talking and one said to the other , you know i'm tired of this damn cat food i'm losing my feathers , my comb wo'nt stand up any more this is sickening so i've decided that tomorrow morning i'm going to fly over to the other island and eat our food . his friend said man are you sure theres a lot of water in between . the rooster said man do'nt you know we can fly . so the next day came and the two roosters stood on the shoreline . the rooster baCKED UP A FEW STEPS SCRATCHED A BIT started running and flew across to the other island and started eating the food .
well these two cats happen to see this and one said to the other did you see that shit ? the other said yea , but i'm not going to try that . the other one said , i am . our brain is bigger than some dumb rooster and i know i can make it , hell my fur is starting to come off . well the next morning the two cats set out . one cat tried to talk his friend out of it , he said you know we do'nt like to get wet . rethink this thing . the other said no and backed up a few feet . he ran then jumped then fell in the water... what's the moral ? well guys you're going to have to pm me for the answer :) sorry.

Not necessarily a joke but I sure thought it was funny :)

THE GUYS' RULES¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
(I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES"
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.

NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE... THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM.
SEE A DOCTOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA 'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THEM MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, THEN WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE, BESIDES WE KNOW YOU WILL BRING IT UP AGAIN LATER.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY.

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION, OR GOLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;

BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH

Here's a joke you might like, Odin and GT. Then again, with you it's hard to tell. Oh well, here goes anyway:

Get Out of the Car!!!!!!!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She
dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream
at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get
out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They
got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so
shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried, and then she realized why, it was for the same reason she
had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of
beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car
parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the
car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The
sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He
pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,
less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a
large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable. ‹(•¿•)›

Good indeed, sounds almost like it could be a true story.

Hey, y'all I posted this on the comment section of this news story.

http://policelink.monster.com/news/articles/2481-americas-anti-police-professional-agitators

I reposted it here, because I thought alot of you would enjoy this as much as I did when I first heard this one...

Well since we are on the subject of Jesse Jackson, and since everyone here semms to like (cough, cough) him as much as I do, here is a joke at his expense I am sure you will all enjoy (I know I sure did!!):

Subject: Jesse Jackson . . . and Little Johnny

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found
himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the
discussion of the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a
"tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives
on a farm is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes
along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would
be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's
what We would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In
a Stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were
struck
by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me
why That would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a
great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either

:-P

You may have seen this one before but it's still funny.
Subject: banned from walmart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least .

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Walmart

Foul language, sorry...but too funny!!

Who? Who?

Glad I read this thread tonight. I need a good laugh,Thanks!!

LOL!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

A lion had been stalking a buffalo for days and was reaching the end of his endunace. He came upon the buffalo suddenly and pounced on him, killing it instantly with a powerful bite to the neck. The lion then gorged himself on the fresh meat, regaining his strength and prowess. Feeling once again like the King of Beasts, he strutted away from the killing-ground and announced his fearlessness and authoritywith a mighty, deep-throated roar. He startled a passing hunter who was returning from a fruitless hunting trip deep in the bush, who promptly set the lion in his sights and ventilated him.
The Moral is: It doesn't matter what your position or how seriously you take yourself; when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.