Off Duty Forums >> Locker Room (Public Access) >> Just Some Fun Reading!

Rate

Just Some Fun Reading!

377 Views
22 Replies Flag as inappropriate
Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top

Posted over 7 years ago

 

Children & Childbirth

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the
call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she
was asked.

Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then
thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she
thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place. Smack his butt again."


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Photo_user_banned_big

415 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

hahaha thats a good post Clover. That's something my little sister would say.

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR

Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol..
Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise )
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!!!!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

Live Well,
Laugh Often,
Love your friends


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Photo_user_banned_big

415 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

where do you get these? lol, they're great

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Correct use of the "F" word When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those
@#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-! - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the
@#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Give me a minute sheesh.....


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Photo_user_banned_big

415 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

sorry lol

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Can you read this!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Okay Super sheesh... Some good friends sent these to me... I have plenty more to share but this is just a start....


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Photo_user_banned_big

415 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

very amzing.. I won't bother you anymore, lol

Th_plugman1_max50

391 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Clover, you're too much. Those were real good. LOL over and over again

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

LOL I hope not...


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Photo_user_banned_big

415 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

:)

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

SGT Too much huh... Too much time on my hands right now, of f work until August and I’m going crazy... Plus I’m sick of school right now as the class I’m taking is easy and I’m sick of others copying my work... So I wait until the last day then post my discussions... lol (let them figure it out first)


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

3734983337_1__max50

4241 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

great ones clover.

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Something new for July 3, 2007

The Ticket

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three Women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."….

(Know the rest I know you can figure out)


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute

Work this out as you read ...

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757... If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number the last two numbers are....

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

2874 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

(This one is a stupid criminal trick)

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Nag_max50

1908 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Those are great :)

9-11-logo_max50

1075 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Here's one for you...

There was a florist in a certain town, whose business was threatened by a nearby monastery. The monastery had a huge garden, and the men of God supported themselves by growing and selling the flowers. People liked to support them, and the florist's business was going down the tubes.

He went and talked to the monks, and they were sympathetic to his plight, but they had no other way to support themselves, either, so they kept selling their flowers.

He sent his mother over to talk to them, and she couldn't persuade them to stop, either.

Finally he sent the village tough, Hugh McTaggert, to "persuade" them to close their shop. One visit was all it took, and they decided to close their business. Which just goes to show that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

3734983337_1__max50

4241 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

tsh..tsh..tsh

Photo_user_banned_big

415 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

lol good one