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Dating someone in LE

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Posted over 5 years ago

 

Okay, So I just thought I would bring this up, see if anyone can relate to it. I have been in a relationship with someone who is in law enforcment. He works 6 days a week, which makes our relationship sometimes tougher not being able to see eachother too often. I know of alot of other people who have gotten divorced, because they grew distant from their spouse because they rarely saw eachother. It's really hard on me, because I love him, I constantly worry about him. It seems everytime he gets off work, its off to bed...then back to work the next day...My biggest fear is something happening to him while at work....Thats why I dont go a day, even when we fight, without telling him I love him. ...I dont want to grow distant from him and lose him....Any one relate to this.

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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

Okay, So I just thought I would bring this up, see if anyone can relate to it. I have been in a relationship with someone who is in law enforcment. He works 6 days a week, which makes our relationship sometimes tougher not being able to see eachother too often. I know of alot of other people who have gotten divorced, because they grew distant from their spouse because they rarely saw eachother. It's really hard on me, because I love him, I constantly worry about him. It seems everytime he gets off work, its off to bed...then back to work the next day...My biggest fear is something happening to him while at work....Thats why I dont go a day, even when we fight, without telling him I love him. ...I dont want to grow distant from him and lose him....Any one relate to this.


I feel ya Amber,yes I can relate to you.I been in love with one for eight years.And it is hard.I keep reminding myself to hold on loosely but don't let go.LOL.


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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

I also understand this.  I've been in sevearl types of Law Enforcement for over 15 yrs and I finally broke a rule of dating a co-worker and its goign on 3+ yrs of being together.  She is wonderful but she is out now being a Full Time MOM. LOL thats harder then any job in LEO world.  My week is usually 5 days but its been 6 & 7 for the past 6 months with getting promoted to Corporal and still covering my duties as a FTO - Firearms Instructor - Arrest Control Tactics Instructor - Covering for my SGT. and still maintaining the Titile of ILETS/NCIC TAC for our warrants and BCI computers.  being on call as well.  She stays in contact with many other of my Officer's wives and we have a great group of Officers and Families.  She understands better what I do and go through each day with her being in the same job for 3 years.  Her Brother works with me as well and is one of my Officers on my shift.  But she still says she nevers wants that call / visit she wants me to be able to call and tell her whats wrong.  With having 6 children between us I feel staying safe is my MOST IMPORTANT GOAL each and everyday to go home to her and our family.  Best Wishes and Hopes for you & yours!!!! "E"


FORTIS IN ARDIS = Brave Under Difficulties

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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

Amber,  Being a male he is wanting to be the bread winner for you & the family, I know been there, done that.  I will say to you every day before he walks out that door to work do 5 things.                                                                                                                                                              



  1. Make sure he is wearing his vest.( if he doesn't have one, GET ONE)   

  2. Give him a Hug    

  3. Give him a passionate kiss, that he'll remember all shift.   

  4. Look him straight in the eyes & say "I LOVE YOU"  

  5. Tell him to come home to you safe

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Rated +1 | Posted over 5 years ago

 

dlbeck107 says ...



Amber,  Being a male he is wanting to be the bread winner for you & the family, I know been there, done that.  I will say to you every day before he walks out that door to work do 5 things.                                                                                                                                                              



  1. Make sure he is wearing his vest.( if he doesn't have one, GET ONE)   

  2. Give him a Hug    

  3. Give him a passionate kiss, that he'll remember all shift.   

  4. Look him straight in the eyes & say "I LOVE YOU"  

  5. Tell him to come home to you safe



A very nice response! It will surly help make tough days a lot easier!!!

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Rated +1 | Posted over 5 years ago

 

Amber08,
I beg you to hang in there. If you love him, and he loves you back, please dont give up faith. I have been a cop now for about 5 years give or take a few months, and i have moved around to 3 different agencies. Im in the process of getting hired for another one, because i moved around so much for the military. My job cost me my first marriage. At the time i was a rookie, and going through my FTO training, which is about a year long, and its like your probationary period, and "learning period", eventhough all i really remember is a lot of paperwork. My husband couldnt deal with the "competition" that he created in his own mind. I was never unfaithful to him, or even came close. I moved on, and fell deeply in love with another man, who wasnt a cop. He knew what my job entailed when he met me, and admired what i did, and thought it was "hot". 6 months into the relationship we moved in together, and it all fell apart slowly from there. He got tired of sleeping alone every night, and the days i was off, i would sleep all two days just about, because i was so tired, or worked almost a double shift of OT, or between extra duty, or "detail" work. This lead to us arguing about absolutley nothing, and lacking in effective communcation. I tell you what, eventhough i slept a lot, and i worked a lot, I loved him soooo much. I would have given my life in an instant to save his, and i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and i thought he was the one. How heartbreaking it was for me after Christmas when he showed me the engagment ring he bought, and planned to give to me on Christmas Eve, but didnt because he couldnt imagine spending the rest of his life with that lifestyle.

To be able to survive dating a cop, or being married to a cop, you too have to be able to give "selflessly", and without the expectation of getting a whole lot in return, atleast not immediatley. You have to have a great amount of independence, and strength. Our jobs cost us a whole lot, but at the end of the day, all we really want is that person that loves us, and supports us, and smiles back at us. He may not be giving a whole lot emotionally right now, but i assure you, he probably loves you a whole lot. I wish there were someone in my ex Justins life to try to convince him to stay with me, because other than my job, i tried hard to be the typical wonder woman, clean cook, and satisfy his every need. Be patient. Love does not a boundary, and when you love someone, love them...do not wait to see what you will get back. Try to stick it out with him, tell him how you feel, and on your days off, try to do something relaxing. Justin always wanted to go out and party and hit the night life.... i just wanted to hang out, relax, drink a few beers, watch the game, maybe catch a good movie. The little things go a long way, but most of all, communicate with him how you feel, otherwise you will keep it in too long, and grow farther away, and there is a good chance you will not come back from that.

Good luck, and you guys are in my prayers.

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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

I have been in Law Enforcement for 35 years.  I have been married to the same person for 35 years.  We have discussed this on many occasions.  She knew what she was up against before we got married.  Any lady married to a cop has to be very understanding, patient, caring and willing to live with out him for periods of time, just like the military.


There have been times when I got a homicide case, where I didn't even come home for three to four days at a time, that's just the way it is. It takes a very understanding and loving wife to put up with the occupation if police work.  If you are not willing to sacrafice this kind of relationship, it will never work out.  Law Enforcement and Firefighters have one of the highest divorce rates of any other occupation. There will also be times when he will come home and not want to talk or even cuddle.  I tried to never bring my work home, but sometimes you have to vent.  It is a very stressful job.  Some police officers will only want to talk to other officers about their problems, that's just because they understand and relate to the situation, where a wife might not understand at all.  Do not take that personal, it's just the way it is.


Everyone handles their problems and relationships differently.  I just happen to be one of the lucky ones, I think, or maybe she really didn't care, just kidding.  It's best to talk it over before you get married, or even serious.  I can pretty much assure you that it will be just the way I explained it.  It will also depend on the department, if it's a large or small one.  That can change things a little, but the work will be the same.


Hope this helps.  I am not a marriage counselor, just talking from my experience.  It can be done, but you have to be very understanding.


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Rated +1 | Posted over 5 years ago

 

JIMROC says ...


I have been in Law Enforcement for 35 years.  I have been married to the same person for 35 years.  We have discussed this on many occasions.  She knew what she was up against before we got married.  Any lady married to a cop has to be very understanding, patient, caring and willing to live with out him for periods of time, just like the military.


There have been times when I got a homicide case, where I didn't even come home for three to four days at a time, that's just the way it is. It takes a very understanding and loving wife to put up with the occupation if police work.  If you are not willing to sacrafice this kind of relationship, it will never work out.  Law Enforcement and Firefighters have one of the highest divorce rates of any other occupation. There will also be times when he will come home and not want to talk or even cuddle.  I tried to never bring my work home, but sometimes you have to vent.  It is a very stressful job.  Some police officers will only want to talk to other officers about their problems, that's just because they understand and relate to the situation, where a wife might not understand at all.  Do not take that personal, it's just the way it is.


Everyone handles their problems and relationships differently.  I just happen to be one of the lucky ones, I think, or maybe she really didn't care, just kidding.  It's best to talk it over before you get married, or even serious.  I can pretty much assure you that it will be just the way I explained it.  It will also depend on the department, if it's a large or small one.  That can change things a little, but the work will be the same.


Hope this helps.  I am not a marriage counselor, just talking from my experience.  It can be done, but you have to be very understanding.


I agree with you. My ex's biggest complaint was that i never wanted to talk about my problems with him...i have always felt more comfortable talking to other officers. They understand me better, and understand what i am going through, or what im talking about. Our minds are on the same level...so yes this is where the poor communcation, and jealousy came into play. Kudos to you JIMROC for being married that long, youre in my prayers bud. Stay safe.

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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

I totally understand how you feel and I am impressed that you deal with things in such a positive manner. Saying I love  you is so important. It can be so hard when  you are feeling angry, resentful and neglected. My hubby has been an LEO for nearly four years. It has it's ups and downs. Sometimes it is easier to deal and other times things get so crazy. Just make sure to remember who you are and make sure your needs are still being met.

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Rate This | Posted about 5 years ago

 

 I'm dating someone in LE and in two years will become his wife. He is a police cadet and I already am getting a taste of what it is like to not have him there at night and finally get to see him about 6 a.m. when he comes home. I'm already scared to death that the LT. for this crew is going to call me one night saying something has happened while he is out riding. He has already been in an accident in a patrol car just last month and it hurt his back. Last night we were talking about him getting shot and killed so when he left tonight to go ride I hugged him, kissed him and mostly told him I loved him and couldn't wait for him to wake me up in the morning (if I even sleep). Just hang in there and remember you have people to support you and understand. If you both love each other it will work out just don't give up. Everything will be okay. And this is coming from a 15 year old(almost 16). I've lost one officer already which makes it hard to believe when he says he'll be okay. But you just have to hang in there and pray. God will keep him safe and also you. I'm praying for you. DON'T GIVE UP!! ♥

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

I don't know if anyone still reads this post trail, but hoping for some guidance since normal dating tips currently online don't seem to match up with what I'm experiencing. I've been dating a police detective for 5 mths now. He is the most gentle and caring man I have ever met. I'm separated with a child that he adores. We have gone out only a few times because of his busy schedule. He has other things in addition to his work that keep him very busy. most of our communication if not all has been texting. He wanted me text him daily so he feels involved in our lives and has affirmed that he wants a relationship with me. He says he is comfortable with me and wishes we were further along but knows his schedule has prevented that. He says he would never hurt me and that I'm beautiful. He was also hurt a long time ago with a previous relationship. He says he wants to ask me questions about me in person, but challenging when we don't get to see each other. I always give him hugs and he holds me so tighly for a long period of time before he has to leave after seeing me. I feel so deeply for this person more than I ever have. I've gone down to his work twice with baked goods for him and his department. He has almost 10 years left before he can retire.I've never dated anyone in this career, but so many of my other friends say if he wants to be with me, he will find the time, but just don't think they understand. When he has to come up my way, he lets me know so he can see me. He says he has close to 60 active cases. Can anyone shed some light as to whether that is possible to have that many cases and if men are that literal that he is telling the truth? I feel so deeply for him and feel he does too when we're together that I can't imagine that he is not interested in wanting more. Thank you for any guidance and support.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

The schedule of police officers is often pretty tough to work with, but by your description, it seems a bit overboard to me. My schedule is hectic, but I have days off every week. I do have other obligations on some of those days, but it would not keep me from seeing my family. My guess is you guys live in different cities, making it difficult to see each other after work or on days off. Any long distance relationship is tough, whether it's with a police officer or not. If you are in the same city, and he still does not take the time to see you often, I would think something else was going on. I do not have a problem spending good amounts of quality time with my family, we just have to do it at different times. For example, our anniversary was celebrated a few days late, and Thanksgiving is going to be had on Tuesday this year instead of Thursday. Those are the types of scheduling conflicts this job brings to me, but there is still time for family.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

Hi there- thank you for your replying. We do live 40m away from each other. He manages an adult sports team, taking class to get a master's degree, which he is behind in and helping out a friend living with him. He is very genuine when he is with me. He does come up to see me when he can. I just don't know if he is waiting for me to take the initiative to ask for more since I told him i wanted to go slow. He does want us to progress further but he's just so busy. He is so tired right now. I don't want to be overbearing, it's not my style. He mentioned we could try to meet halfway on his lunch or dinner breaks, but he couldn't because of work one time. I don't consider myself needy as I am busy as well, but can find time to come down to him if it would help.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

 Who is this " friend" that lives with him? 


You can't cure stupid.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

He has 1 male roommate and another male friend that does not have his priorities straight. He's been helping his friend get his life back together after issues with his ex but he's not helping contribute towards the bills, which is getting tough for the man I'm dating. He has been to my place, but think because of all of that, he is uncomfortable with me coming down to his place. His parents live in the same neighborhood and he is close with his parents.

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Rated +1 | Posted 10 months ago

 

A quick story.I once,many moons ,ago asked a female officer out.As handsome as I was (L.O.L.) she turned me down.Shortly thereafter she married a convicted rapist and was fired.Guess her priorities were a bit ak basswards.

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Rated +1 | Posted 10 months ago

 

migyung says ...



He has 1 male roommate and another male friend that does not have his priorities straight. He's been helping his friend get his life back together after issues with his ex but he's not helping contribute towards the bills, which is getting tough for the man I'm dating. He has been to my place, but think because of all of that, he is uncomfortable with me coming down to his place. His parents live in the same neighborhood and he is close with his parents.


 


 


1+1=3


Something's not adding up, hmmmmmm.


 


 


 


 



You can't cure stupid.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

Does it really matter now?  They have now been dating for over 4 years.  Look at first  post.


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Rated +1 | Posted 10 months ago

 

It's hard to make absolute conclusions with limited information, but this sounds a bit weird. He may have issues with you still being married as well. You said you were separated, he has been through a rough relationship, and he is trying to help somebody else out with a mess in their life. That sounds like a lot to handle if I'm being honest. I know my moral viewpoint on things is not applicable to how most people live their lives, but I would not become romantically involved with a woman who was still legally married.


You also said his friend doesn't have his priorities straight. Well, if your guy spends more time with the roommate than you, it may speak volumes about your guy's priorities. You may really like this guy, and he may be nice when you are around, but you should be careful. Your actions are not only going to affect you, they will affect your child's as well. If I were you, I would handle all things with my separation before becoming exclusive with another man, but again, my morals are much more strict than most people's.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

i apologize, let me clarify. He has been ok with the idea of me coming down to him, but didn't think  to pursue asking him if i could come over. He has been ok with me stopping at his place of work with no problem. However, he was uncomfortable with me coming there when we were intimate because he has 2 male roommates with him and felt like there was no privacy. I'm not sure how to approach this. We are both in our early 40's. I did tell him I wanted to go slow, so I'm not so sure if he is waiting for me to take the initiative. I did early on but he had last minute cases or burglaries that would happen on a Friday evening, which ok, I can see that happening when most people go out, etc. If I can get him in-person, I would like to ask him why he says he wants a relationship unless he's trying to hold on until he has more time to devote?  I would wait for him, but don't know if he's playing with my heart for 5 mths now. He wanted to meet my daughter and enjoys spending time with her, which makes this more painful to bear if he is not planning on sticking around. Thank you for your insight.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

Yes, you are right Schultzy. It is still being finalized. I can appreciate and respect that and it's not fair for me to ask for more if I too, don't have closure to my past. I don't think we thought it would get to this point, but now that it's been this long, I need to be clear with him. Next time I see him, I will ask him if that is what is holding us back. Once we have an opportunity to clear the air, then we will both have a clearer idea on where we want to go from here.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

oh and he actually has said that his friend does not have his priorities right. The man I am dating take care of himself, has a great deal of self-discipline and works out to release his stress. He does not drink. He plays on the sports team that he was managing. I think you have a good point. He could very well be protecting himself yet being polite to me until I put closure to my past before moving forward and getting too involved. After being hurt, i would imagine he doesn't want to go through that again if he can avoid it.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

Talking to him would be the best idea. If you are ready to make the next step, it would be nice of you both to make goals and plans together. Also, it would be the best forum to air your reservations and issues with making the next step. It may be the only way for you to find out how he truly feels about you and your relationship. Good luck to you.

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Rate This | Posted 10 months ago

 

Thank you, I have since sent him a text to let him know i needed to ask him a question, since I'm a bit confused on intentions and will see if he responds.

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Rated +1 | Posted 10 months ago

 

JIMROC says ...



Does it really matter now?  They have now been dating for over 4 years.  Look at first  post.



A gal resurrected the thread with her own concerns about dating a LEO. That's what all of the recent responses are related to.

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Rate This | Posted 9 months ago

 

hi there-


Ok, so I spoke with him briefly this evening. I caught him in the car on his way home. We talked about how our days were, and told him sorry for my earlier texts about the relationship. He said, yeah but why? I told him because i don't see you often enough and would like to come down to see him. He said that was fine with me coming down to see him, but just let him know when i'm on the way because he's not big on surprises. Ok, is that typical of most LEO or just him when dating someone for 5 mths, going on 6 mths? He gave me his address, which is a valid address. After I thought about it some more, we have spoken on the phone multiple times, probably close to 10 times, how i forgot that in between the several texts, not sure. He is open about telling me whatever I ask. I think my panic was not thinking i could ask him anything. I told him about my daughter's birthday and her earning her next belt in mma and he said he will try to get there if he can.

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Rate This | Posted 9 months ago

 

Something just doesn't seem right here. Either on her end or his.

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Rate This | Posted 9 months ago

 

I am a female so here is my advice :


 


it appears that he was honest with you from the beginning about his schedule and what is going on in his life , being a Dectective holds more responsibility ( anyone correct me if I am wrong ) then a normal LEO's duties I would think maybe I am wrong in that , my advice is be patient and let it unfold as it will he has a demanding job patience is key and showing him that you understand that is key as well. It's not that he doesn't want to be involved more with you it's just right now his time is restricted ... don't push be patient . You need to ask yourself can you really handle this lifestyle and I don't mean that harsh I am just being real , also I agree with the separation statement  previously mentioned that puts a strain on just how serious and far your current relationship can go ... Just by what I have read you are coming across to me as being needy and pushy in the relationship and I don't mean that to be rude or mean or hurtful . You wanted advice that is my take on it .


be there for him and understand he will be there for you when his schedule allows it sounds like his cup is running over . Good luck !

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Rate This | Posted 9 months ago

 

As far as the not big on surprises lol ummm he lives with another male he probably wants to make sure the house is clean first before you swing by I hate unexpected company for that very reason ... He's being honest with you ... Deep breaths and patience and just enjoy each others company when you can <3

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Rate This | Posted 9 months ago

 

 Scratch my advice if the above is true ^^^^ I must have misread it ... Sorry it was kind of hard to follow all the info in different post ....

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