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Personality Changes Due to Job?

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Dsc02579_max50

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Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Hello Everyone!


My boyfriend left today (well, yesterday I guess....Sunday) for the LE Academy. He is the love of my life and we will be getting married as soon as we can afford it. (He is fresh out of college and I am still in it.) I know that this job can take it's toll on a person and I am worried that some parts of the man I fell in love with are going to go away. One of my favorite things about him is the way he makes me laugh and feel like a little kid. He jokes around and is very playful and I am afraid that side of him is going to disappear due to his job and the fact that he has to be so tough and keep his guard up all the time. Has this ever happened to anyone or their spouse?


I know people change and grow all the time. I actually love that because I get bored easily, lol. But even though I know this profession with help him grow I just don't want to see him lose himself altogether.


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

hun this job changes everyone in it...the best thing you can do is adapt and listen when he wants to talk. and understand when he doesnt try not to take that personal.....i recommend you read 'survival of law enforcement' it will help you understand the phases he will soon be going through as he transitions into his new carrer....ive been in both shoes ..the spouse of a cop and now myself as one...i can say the hardest thing the first couple of years is learning how to turn off cop mode....that was the biggest adjustment i saw as a spouse...good luck in your future endeavours!

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

va_lady_cop says ...



hun this job changes everyone in it...the best thing you can do is adapt and listen when he wants to talk. and understand when he doesnt try not to take that personal.....i recommend you read 'survival of law enforcement' it will help you understand the phases he will soon be going through as he transitions into his new carrer....ive been in both shoes ..the spouse of a cop and now myself as one...i can say the hardest thing the first couple of years is learning how to turn off cop mode....that was the biggest adjustment i saw as a spouse...good luck in your future endeavours!



Excellent response.  Try reading Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement by Kevin Gilmartin.  Great reading and will give you and your BF an understanding of this job and it's effects.


"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
― Sun Tzu

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Thank you so much! I will definitely check out those books.


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Hey girl.......Let me just say that I am not a sworn officer.  I am a security guard.  Although I do not experience the same things as an LEO does, I do work the same kind of hours.  I have a husband, and a beautiful 7 year old daughter.  Yes, the job will change him.  Most people do not get into this line of work unless it is a passion....something he will dedicate a lot of his time to.  The best advice I can give you is to not take the changes you will see in him, personally.  These changes will not be about you, or because of you.  Be supportive.....no little sarcastic remarks, no be-littleing of his concerns, or fears, or frustrations.  If he knows he has a "home"  to come to where he feels safe, needed, and appreciated for the job he does......you two will make it.  And, as far as you go....If you find yourself realizing that you can't handle life with a cop....you will have two choices.  Stay and accept, or leave and find happiness somewhere else. 


Best of luck to you!!!!!


Maggie

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

My wife would be better at answering this question but here I go. You have to love him no matter what. You might not like him sometimes but if you love him and stand by him you will preservre. My wife and I have been married 28.5 years and I love her more and more each day because she puts up with my s**t. I am a firey type of personality and she is the low key type. If she tells me I'm being an A**hole then I more than likely am. She would never say this in so few words or in that speech manner but you get the drift. Also turn him onto P.L. this is great therapy. LOL. Be safe.


Bad stuff happens to good people, handle it and overcome.
My motto for life:
Let go and let GOD,
Only HE can control everything.

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Thanks again everyone! Your advice has been great. I guess I am just so used to hearing about the high divorce rate and things like that that it was making me kind of a pessimist. It's nice to hear that success stories are possible.


I actually found this website because it popped up in the address history when I was typing another website in. So he must have been on here at some point. I don't know if he has an account or not. I will definitely try to get him on here though. I know he has an account on GlockTalk but I think he would like this too. Thanks!


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

razztus56 says ...



Thanks again everyone! Your advice has been great. I guess I am just so used to hearing about the high divorce rate and things like that that it was making me kind of a pessimist. It's nice to hear that success stories are possible.


I actually found this website because it popped up in the address history when I was typing another website in. So he must have been on here at some point. I don't know if he has an account or not. I will definitely try to get him on here though. I know he has an account on GlockTalk but I think he would like this too. Thanks!



The divorce rate is high because cops typically don't like to burden their loved ones with some of the crap that's endured. My wife and I are going to celebrate our 50th next year. I became an LEO after 4 years of marriage and she put up with me for 35 years in LE. The key was, I think, the fact that although we wanted to give up, we never did. We sougt and received some counseling and that helped us get our heads straight. Just one major piece of advice, don't allow things to get too far out of hand lest it become unsalvageable. It takes a lot of work and patience for BOTH of you.  GOOD LUCK.


What is conservativism? Is it not the adherence to the old and tried against the new and untried? - Abraham Lincoln

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

I chaneged night and day, and continued to. My wfie hung on for the ride. And sometimes it was a wild ride. Does everyone? dont know.

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

I know I did. I used to be the type that would not say sh** if I had a mouth full. Now I say what is on my mind and most of the time I don't care if you like it or not. I think that we see so much and that we know that life can be short that we use all of our defenses that we know to try and keep the bad stuff from getting to our families be cause they don't need to know what the bad things are.


Bad stuff happens to good people, handle it and overcome.
My motto for life:
Let go and let GOD,
Only HE can control everything.

Unclesamgangblingchain_max600_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

I know that when you're surrounded by negativity you cant let it consume you. If you do seek help. The biggest thing that helped me is a sense of humor, morbid as it may be, for LEO you'll find the comedy in some of the tragedy and it helps pull you through, at least for me it did. It's something that only other cops would understand, but there's a time and a place for it. No body is immune from all the horrific things we see. But get to know his co-workers and their families. Their advice will be the most helpful. I tried to understand why prople do the things they did, and only got lost in the inconceivable mess. Don't try to seek out the "why" just do what needs to be done and move on to the next call. As long as you guys can communicate and laugh you won't have a problem.


"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give"- Winston Churchill

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

dbayer says ...



I know that when you're surrounded by negativity you cant let it consume you. If you do seek help. The biggest thing that helped me is a sense of humor, morbid as it may be, for LEO you'll find the comedy in some of the tragedy and it helps pull you through, at least for me it did. It's something that only other cops would understand, but there's a time and a place for it. No body is immune from all the horrific things we see. But get to know his co-workers and their families. Their advice will be the most helpful. I tried to understand why prople do the things they did, and only got lost in the inconceivable mess. Don't try to seek out the "why" just do what needs to be done and move on to the next call. As long as you guys can communicate and laugh you won't have a problem.



I think communication and laughter are key to any succesful relationship. I guess that's why I have been wondering if people noticed a change in that after one becomes a LEO.


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

 


I will agree with everyone else here..."emotional ride" are the correct words. I have changed so much during the years I have became a part of Law Enforcement. Most of the time my life is filled with class work, trainings and studies and I do not have very much free time. Often feel tired and burnt out from working and school; however, I do not allow my life style to interfere or cause conflicts with family and friends. When I feel stressed, I go jogging, work out at the gym, or relax and watch a nice movie. My friends tell me they do not understand how I cope with all the things I have to deal with on daily basis. Trust me; it is not an easy task; however, proud to be a member of the Criminal Justice team and would not trade it for any other career; this is what keeps me going strong! I think if we keep positive attitudes and understand Law Enforcement is one of the greatest careers a person can achieve, all will be just fine! When I entered college 1988 twelve hundred students were not as fortunate as I am, and when I re-entered college the second time in 2006, seven hundred students were not accepted for many different reasons, so I think it is a blessing to achieve a goal so many other people are unable to achieve!  Nice topic you have here…razztus56 , Keep up the good work!

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Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

I know lots of cops that have a tremendous sense of humor, it's a coping skill.  If he already has one that is a definite plus.   You have to go into this knowing that his job is demanding and important to him.  Be supportive, if you can.

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

razztus56 says ...



Thanks again everyone! Your advice has been great. I guess I am just so used to hearing about the high divorce rate and things like that that it was making me kind of a pessimist. It's nice to hear that success stories are possible.


I actually found this website because it popped up in the address history when I was typing another website in. So he must have been on here at some point. I don't know if he has an account or not. I will definitely try to get him on here though. I know he has an account on GlockTalk but I think he would like this too. Thanks!


Retleo says...


I have a 30 year LEO career and a 30 year marriage to the same wonderful woman.  I too had a pretty good sense of humor before becoming a LEO, and it served me well during my career. If anything LEO's use humor as a stress release and as a way to deal with some of the more hideous things that they deal with on the job.  Most LEOs that I know have a great, if somewhat twisted, sense of humor.  My wife has been supportive throughout my career and knew just when to stop asking about what I did at work that day.  She understood that there are some things that we just don't talk to anyone but other LEOs about.


You will be fine, and don't get hung up in the "Divorce Rate" BS. All marriages go through rough times, as long as you understand that, and are willing to talk things out you will get by.  Far too many people walk away from a marriage just because they hit a speed-bump in the relationship.  If the mariage is worth keeping, then it is worth fighting and sacrificing for (on both sides).  Don't base your relationship on the statistics of others, or on how others handle theirs.  Each marriage is an entity unto itself and should be approached as such. 


As a 30 year veteran of marriage I am here to tell you that it works, and it is worth all of the time and effort that you put into it!



"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
Steve Jobs

Retleo (MODERATOR #8)
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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

CJLady0153 says ...



 


I will agree with everyone else here..."emotional ride" are the correct words. I have changed so much during the years I have became a part of Law Enforcement. Most of the time my life is filled with class work, trainings and studies and I do not have very much free time. Often feel tired and burnt out from working and school; however, I do not allow my life style to interfere or cause conflicts with family and friends. When I feel stressed, I go jogging, work out at the gym, or relax and watch a nice movie. My friends tell me they do not understand how I cope with all the things I have to deal with on daily basis. Trust me; it is not an easy task; however, proud to be a member of the Criminal Justice team and would not trade it for any other career; this is what keeps me going strong! I think if we keep positive attitudes and understand Law Enforcement is one of the greatest careers a person can achieve, all will be just fine! When I entered college 1988 twelve hundred students were not as fortunate as I am, and when I re-entered college the second time in 2006, seven hundred students were not accepted for many different reasons, so I think it is a blessing to achieve a goal so many other people are unable to achieve!  Nice topic you have here…razztus56 , Keep up the good work!

Thanks! I am actually surprised by how many responses I have gotten and they have all been great! Everyone on here has been amazing so far. But I think the best thing is the honesty. I got so sick of hearing the cliches from my family and friends. I needed to hear just how much hard work it's going to be. I appreciate honesty and I appreciate all of you. Marriage is an extremely important thing to me and as long as he still loves me I will work at it every single day of my life if that what it takes to be with him.


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

razztus56 says ...



CJLady0153 says ...



 


I will agree with everyone else here..."emotional ride" are the correct words. I have changed so much during the years I have became a part of Law Enforcement. Most of the time my life is filled with class work, trainings and studies and I do not have very much free time. Often feel tired and burnt out from working and school; however, I do not allow my life style to interfere or cause conflicts with family and friends. When I feel stressed, I go jogging, work out at the gym, or relax and watch a nice movie. My friends tell me they do not understand how I cope with all the things I have to deal with on daily basis. Trust me; it is not an easy task; however, proud to be a member of the Criminal Justice team and would not trade it for any other career; this is what keeps me going strong! I think if we keep positive attitudes and understand Law Enforcement is one of the greatest careers a person can achieve, all will be just fine! When I entered college 1988 twelve hundred students were not as fortunate as I am, and when I re-entered college the second time in 2006, seven hundred students were not accepted for many different reasons, so I think it is a blessing to achieve a goal so many other people are unable to achieve!  Nice topic you have here…razztus56 , Keep up the good work!

Thanks! I am actually surprised by how many responses I have gotten and they have all been great! Everyone on here has been amazing so far. But I think the best thing is the honesty. I got so sick of hearing the cliches from my family and friends. I needed to hear just how much hard work it's going to be. I appreciate honesty and I appreciate all of you. Marriage is an extremely important thing to me and as long as he still loves me I will work at it every single day of my life if that what it takes to be with him.



You are very welcome! Thanks, for your post comments...

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Good luck with the transistion period.


" The more you sweat while training, the less you bleed in the street."

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Thanks...it's been rough and I imagine it will continue to be for awile. But I honestly believe it will all be worth it! :-D


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Yes, changes will happen. Shift work, holidays, weekends, he will work them all. You will need to be flexible. I suggest the book, "I Love a Cop". Sorry, I can't remember the author. All marriages have stress and problems. Yours will just have different ones. Keep up in your place of worship. It helps!

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Love each other. No Matter what.


"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give"- Winston Churchill

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Yeah, I can forsee the holidays getting to be a problem. Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year and I just moved 10 hours away from my famliy to be with him. So, I will have to fly back home for the holidays and he will probably never be able to spend them with me. That is actually one of the things I am having a really hard time with. I am a BIG family person and we have been together for 2 years and he has only been around my extended famliy twice. And he still didn't even get to meet all of them. But, as I have been saying all along.... think overall it will be worth it. No relationship or life is perfect and our love makes anything we will have to endure worth it.


 


I'll be sure to look up that book and add it to the list. There are quite a few on there now thanks to all the wonderful people here on PL! God Bless you all!


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

RAZZ MY MOTHER WORKED 911 FOR MANY YEARS BEFORE TRANSFERRING TO ANOTHER DEPT.  WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEDAYS SHE WOULD COME HOME AND LOCK HERSELF IN HER BEDROOM FOR AN HOUR BEFORE JOINING THE FAMILY.  OTHER DAYS THE FIRST THING SHE WOULD DO IS HUG US AND ALL OF HER GRANDKIDS AND SAY "I LOVE YOU".   I AM FOLLOWING IN HER FOOTSTEPS  NOW AND UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN SHE LOCKED  HERSELF IN HER BEDROOM SOMETHING BAD HAD HAPPENED AND SHE NEEDED TIME TO DEAL WITH IT.  WHEN SHE HUGGED US ALL SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED TO A CHILD.  MOM DID TALK ABOUT IT EVENTUALLY BUT NEEDED TIME TO EVALUATE WHAT HAD HAPPENED FIRST.


HE WILL HAVE DAYS WHERE HE DOESNT WANT TO TALK.  OTHER DAYS HE WILL JUST WANT TO HOLD  YOU CLOSE AND SAY HE LOVES YOU.  BE PATIENT WITH HIM.  IT IS A BIG ADJUSTMENT GOING FROM CIVILIAN TO LEO.   BUT HE WILL ADJUST.  JUST SUPPORT HIM AND LET HIM TALK ABOUT HIS DAY AT HIS PACE.

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

The most important thing you can recognize as a future young wife of a new cop is that this job will change the way he views people, our culture and government, etc.    He will be exposed to the worst elements in life and then come home to you.   Sometimes he will be quiet and distant, trying to mentally digest his day, other times he will be abrasively comedic, other times just fine.   In all cases, make his home a welcoming, safe place of comfort.   He is with you because he loves you and needs you.    His work will suck the life right out of him during the day and you and his children will help put that back in for the next day.   


You will have to learn a new sort of emotional independence that does not rely on him being your sole confidante and helper.    However, you will be his, so when he comes home, listen, be attentive, adjust your emotional expectations of him because there will be many times when he is just flat not up to it.    Make him want to come home and relax - not run off to the bar or with buddies because it's just too demanding coming home.    Law enforcement is a field of very selfless, dedicated people doing society a great service and you and he will both be contributing to this work in your own ways.   Remember that.    You will have an active part of his work by being a loving, supportive wife.  


Yes, read those books, talk to other LEO wives who have husbands who have been on the force longer.    It will help you temper your expectations and help you understand that when he's a jerk, it's usually not you :)     Good luck to you both - everything will be good if you stay committed and remain understanding.

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Coolwaters says ...



The most important thing you can recognize as a future young wife of a new cop is that this job will change the way he views people, our culture and government, etc.    He will be exposed to the worst elements in life and then come home to you.   Sometimes he will be quiet and distant, trying to mentally digest his day, other times he will be abrasively comedic, other times just fine.   In all cases, make his home a welcoming, safe place of comfort.   He is with you because he loves you and needs you.    His work will suck the life right out of him during the day and you and his children will help put that back in for the next day.   


You will have to learn a new sort of emotional independence that does not rely on him being your sole confidante and helper.    However, you will be his, so when he comes home, listen, be attentive, adjust your emotional expectations of him because there will be many times when he is just flat not up to it.    Make him want to come home and relax - not run off to the bar or with buddies because it's just too demanding coming home.    Law enforcement is a field of very selfless, dedicated people doing society a great service and you and he will both be contributing to this work in your own ways.   Remember that.    You will have an active part of his work by being a loving, supportive wife.  


Yes, read those books, talk to other LEO wives who have husbands who have been on the force longer.    It will help you temper your expectations and help you understand that when he's a jerk, it's usually not you :)     Good luck to you both - everything will be good if you stay committed and remain understanding.



Thank you Coolwaters for your very thoughtful post. I was kind of worried that with be being such a strong woman and believing so much in the fact that all aspects of a relationship should be equal would eventually get the best of me and cause me to feel underappreciated and like I was doing all the work in the relationship. Just to clarify, it's not like now which is why I originally started this, to know if that was how it was going to become. But for some reason when you said "Law enforcement is a field of very selfless, dedicated people doing society a great service and you and he will both be contributing to this work in your own ways," it just clicked and I realized that I wouldn't be putting more work into our relationship than him because he would be doing his part by going to work everyday and protecting us and providing for his future family. And if he can do that for us then I will do for him whatever he needs me to do.


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

This line of work does change people.  Some for the worse and some for the better.  It's like finding yourself, until he finds himself in L.E. you'll just have to be patient.  I threw myself into the job, emmersed myself in helping others and didn't take the time to take care of home for awhile.  I finally came around, second marriage, but better late than never.  It's a difficult road to travel, but with God's help, love and support you do your best.  I am prayerful for the both of you!

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Thank you very much QMBennett!


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical. -Anon.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -Robert Frost

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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

Hi there! As a married woman I can share with you that in time, everyone changes at least a little bit. That's just part of growing older and gaining more life experience. Love is a choice. You have to choose to love him every single day and if you don't, in time, love will eventually become an elusive creature and it's almost impossible to recapture. 


As for the family thing...you have to decide. When you get married...HE should be the most important person in your life. We all love holidays and spending time with extended family but remember if you don't think you can put him first then you might want to reconsider.


That's just some advice from an old married fart.