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Want to Join, Wife doesn't approve

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Adam12_max50

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Posted over 7 years ago

 

I've always had an interest in law enforcement. I have friends and family in LE and with my brother in law at the Sheriff's Academy I've learned quite a bit from him that has sparked my interest even more. However, my wife does not and would never want me to be in LE because of the the inherent danger involved. So does anyone know the relationship dynamics with disagreeing spouses when confronted with a situation like this? Is wanting a LE career and attempting to pursue it worth any marriage or the potential distress that may arise out of pursuing it. Hmmm....almost sounds like I should be writing to a marriage forum! I guess the real question is, if the other spouse can't approve of your choice in a LE career should you just cease to pursue one?

Ken__bike_patrol_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Personally, I think your marriage should come before anything else. This is a tough enough job to do without getting grief when you get home too. As for "inherent dangers", this isn't the worst job out there. You get plenty of training, carry plenty of weapons, and, if you work in an urban area like I do, you always have lots of backup close by. Fortunately, my wife kind of just shrugs it off. (maybe because the life insurance is good? Hmmm...) Anyway, maybe a little marriage counseling would help? And how would you react if she wanted to do something you thought was dangerous? Sounds like her perception of your danger level is a little off. Check out this web site for "dangerous jobs"; http://money.cnn.com/2005/08/26/pf/jobs_jeopardy/. Cops aren't even in the top 10.

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

I agree that the marriage comes first. Not too long ago my wife and I almost divorced due to the "job", but with some counselling and a little luck we are working through the rough areas. Communication is key! Speak openly with your spouse about what you want to do and share the events of the day with her. My wife's big gripe about me, was that I work my 12 hour shift, then come home and not open up about what I had been through during the day. Since, I have relayed every detail (even the bad ones) about what I do so she has an understanding. This has helped us out alot.

If I had to make the decision, family or job, I would make a career change with no regrets.

Me_in_front_of_destroyed_t-54_iraqi_tank_5-2-03_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Heck with that! Women are like a bus, there's one coming around the corner every 15 min! What happens if you throw away your dream of becoming a LEO & a few yrs later she divorces your butt anyway for whatever reason?

IMO, she should support your desire to become a LEO & back you 100%

My 2cents.

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Thanos, I respect your opinion but I disagree.

I view my wife more than a mere "possession". First and foremost I am a husband and a father, I'm a cop second. My wife and I have been through some hard times and that has made our bond strong. I'm not afraid to say that she is my best friend, which is how it should be. A marriage is a union, hence the word "marriage". A one sided relationship is not a relationship...it's a dictatorship. I think that both parties need to voice their concerns and attempt to work them out, as opposed to kicking her to the curb.

Perhaps I'm out of line, but as an officer I have accomplished the goals that I had set for myself when I entered into law enforcement. Perhaps that's the reason I would have an easier time than most if I needed to leave the field.

Th_police-2_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

I agre if you have a good wife try privat investagation or lost prevention to show her how much you enjoy the job she might come around in a few years it took 10 years for me

Me_in_front_of_destroyed_t-54_iraqi_tank_5-2-03_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

I hear what you're saying GTS197. But I bet you that if it was the other way around & the wife wanted to pursue a career that the husband wasn't comfortable with her having & voiced his displeasure, she would accuse him of not being supportive of her wishes or goal & call him selfish. Then after she tells all her female friends that he's not backing her up in her desire to get a certain job, I bet all her friends would push her to go though with it anyway & to heck with what he wants her to do or not to do. Many women would take a high paying or promising career over their husbands in a heartbeat! A friend of mine just recently had to turn down becoming a cop in Phoenix, Az cuz his wife doesn't want to move away from her family in Hawaii! That's BS IMO.

I guess I'm lucky, my wife's attitude is "We'll live where ever you can get a job that pays very well & that you'll enjoy doing"!

9-11-logo_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

The thing that makes marriage "work" is the commitment to stick together "for better for worse" as the vows say-- an unconditional agreement to stick it out together no matter what. It's what makes marriage different from any other relationship. Once you've made up your mind to do it, you just DO it. That sort of unconditional support provides a security for both people to grow with the confidence that the other will always be there for you.

So... what happens when you hit this sort of disagreement? You both have to do some real soul-searching and communication. CAN you do something else, or will you become resentful? CAN she accept your desire to do this, or will she become resentful? Neither of you can just stonewall the other without exploring the possibilities. For you, that might mean considering other options to see if any of them are possible for you. For her, that might mean doing enough research to get an accurate understanding of how dangerous it really is, and to talk to other LE spouses to see how they handle that vulnerability.

You might see if you can arrange a ride-along for her, so she can see exactly what a cop does all day. Perhaps she could have a conversation with someone to learn more about the training for officer safety you would receive, and see some of the safety measures officers take-- vests, the weapons they carry, etc.

You might also explore exactly WHAT her concern is about your safety. Is she afraid of losing you because she loves you and can't imagine being alone? Is she concerned that she could not take care of herself without you? Do you all have kids-- is it concern about becoming a single parent? Some concerns maybe could be addressed by careful planning for contingencies.

The fact that you are mortal is something she's going to have to learn with!

Good luck-- and the idea of speaking to a marriage counselor is not a bad idea, particularly if you've never learned how to talk through something this knotty before!

Bbqxena_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Adam - I would think if your wife has that strong of feelings about you not being LEO then there's something else there....It can't just solely be, "Because it's dangerous..." If that was the only reason then tell her to stay home and never drive her car out on the Hwy. There's more fatality deaths on the Hwy than cops getting killed! If she still does not believe you then refer her to the FBI Web-site and look up all the statistics she wants. They update them every two years.....Then when she's done reading your proof that it's more dangerous to drive on the highways.......tell her this, "OK Honey, if you agree not to drive anymore, I won't become a cop..." She'll probably get irritated and think you're being stupid, BUT it's the truth. And when she says, "That's different!" You can tell her, "Why? Because you don't agree....." "Now you see what I feel...." That right there will get your point across, get you a divorce and you'll be a cop in no time......if you pass everything.....

I say all of that to say this........that argument up above is reality, but I learned the hardway that you can be SO RIGHT and have such wrong results.........so in the end, just love your wife and everything else will fall in it's place..... And don't get me wrong - I'm saying put your tail between your legs and turn into a "Yes Dear" man, but YOU have to ask yourself what is more important.....and unless she's sleeping around on you or off somewhere smoking crack....you're doing pretty good:) if you're that hungry for excitement, go Sky Diving or something....:)

Goodluck...

Photo_user_banned_big

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Adam12: You could look into how many jobs there are within law enforcement and decide from there. My children are 20 and 21and I'm happy they're just getting through those college doors and finding out how much there is to choose from. You'd be surprised the direction you might end up taking once you get in there. If you have strong interests in law enforcement your probably not going to be happy doing anything else. You could try to explain that to your wife.


In like manner the spirit also joins in with help for our weakness, for the problem of what we should pray for as we need to we do not know but the spirit itself pleads for us with groanings uttered.

No man serving as a soldier involves himself in the commercial businesses of life, in order that he may gain the approval of the one who enrolled him as a soldier. 5. Moreover, if anyone conten

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Thanos, you have a valid point. I think that it all comes down to the individual personalities of the people involved.

Adam12_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Well the popular consensus seems to be that mariage comes first and I do agree. Through thick and thin as they say. I too have to be happy in life as well. Marriage wise, I am. Career wise, I'm not so sure. I'm 29y/o and I'm currently a licensed contractor in the state of California. However, owning your own business doesn't have all the perks most might seem to think it has. It's basically sink or swim. With construction, that's a very harsh reality. With declining custom real estate construction it seems we're leaning more towards the sink in sink or swim. The thing is even when we were doing quite well the money didn't seem to make me a happy man. I'd commute to job sites and daydream about LE, not construction. I'd pass by an LE activity in progress and be in total interest of what that would be like to serve your community and haul the "bad guys" to jail. My wife, however, views everything in a totally different way like "how will we afford the lifestyle we have now?" , "How will we pay for our mortgage?", etc......etc... In a way she has a valid point. A career change into LE will not cover our living costs. LE isn't the best paying career in the world and I think most people will agree. At the same time most people will agree you don't always go into LE for the money either. That is something I am completely aware of which leads to my next dilemma. How much and will I be willing do downgrade our income at my entire families expense? So you see, I'm stuck in more ways than one and I don't know how to get out.

Me_in_front_of_destroyed_t-54_iraqi_tank_5-2-03_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Does your wife work or do you bring home the bacon? If the answer is no, then I can see why she wouldn't want you to become a LEO. She'd have to go get a...JOB & work to help pay the bills! Sounds to me that her "lifestyle & way of living" is way more important to her than your desire to become a LEO.

Now, if she does work & helps with the bills, I fail to see what her problem is, besides the excuse that it's dangerous. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us no matter what your profession is, so her excuse that it's dangerous is pretty lame. When it's your time to go, it's your time to go!

IMO, her reasons for not supporting you are very selfish since they are for materialistic reasons such as "lifestyle & way of living".

All I can tell you bro is ...Ya gotta follow your heart's desire.

9-11-logo_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

"Can we maintain our lifestyle?" is a real different question from the objection about it being too dangerous.

If the issue is economical, what price is your happiness worth?

Actually, some of the happiest cops I've known have been part-time guys-- working full-time non-LE jobs, and filling in part-time as LEOs. Is that a possibility for you to pursue?

Ken__bike_patrol_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

I tell people that after I graduated from college, I had to decide if I wanted to make money, or have fun. I chose the fun. This job is great! You might live modestly, but you never run out of stories to tell!

1z6tp9w_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

look do what i did. tell your wife that you will try it and see if you like it and if you dont you can leave. my husband said ok. and he behind me 100% when i was in LEO.but if i was you i would follow your heart's desire. if not you will always be asking what if. at least try it do ride alongs to see.

Liz_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Adam 12 how funny you post about daydreaming about the LE profession. I have been doing this for over 20 years. I am proud of my profession and have accomplished everything and more, but I dream about getting out. I can't say which way for you to go, but remember these things. It is a great job at first, but quickly becomes like any other. If you become complacent and daydream at this job it could cost you your life. I don't care who you are but this job puts extreme amounts of pressure on any relationship at one time or another. If you chose a career path that is your decision. If you choose a life with your family then that is fine. Some are lucky enough to have both. I work all day as a detective and then I have my own contracting company(for 17 years) that I do in the evenings and weekends just so that my family can have the things they want. LE does not pay well at all. I look at all my friends that I grew up with that have chosen differnt paths. I have the same education if not more, I am a member of the Major Case Squad and have many other accomplishments under my belt and I do not even break 40,000 a year(that is in the St Louis MO area).

All I am trying to say here is make sure that this is really what you want to do. Write down all the pros and cons and sit down with your wife and talk it out. Make your choice and do it. The decision is a life altering one so make the choice wisely. Good luck with you decision.

Aa6e89f561d0434c9d5e491a4d740d38_1__max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

I have been in public safety for 22 years. I have thought about getting out every day (last 2 years); until the opportunity comes to get out. It has taken a toll on my body. It has changed every aspect of my life. Its not for every one. BUT WE HAVE A GOOD TIME!! I have memories that I can not even talk about...But, we are talking about your wife... Can she handle the Chief knocking on your front door at 2am on a Friday night...."Your husband has been in an accident... they are trying to cut him out of his vehicle - I am here to take you to the hospital to meet him". The accident was an hour ago. If she is strong and willing, I would only consider the opportunity.

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Reserves.

Fsujellyforum_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Find a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.....If your wife truly loves you, she'd support you. There are dangers everywhere especially on the roadways. But you drive don't you?


DETERMINATION: "In the heart of the strong shines a relentless ray of resolve...It cannot be stopped, it cannot be controlled, and it will not fail."

Floyd Baldo
Drug Interdiction Unit
Spencer Police Department

Water_lilies_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

ADAM12... I can see a lot of people on here are pro-marriage and some are of the opinion you should follow your dreams. Brother...look in your heart and go with that. I can tell you this...let your wife go on a ride along with your local agency and let her make her own summarization. If she still feels its too dangerous, you have a decision to make. Personqally I wouldnt let any woman come between me and my career. Eventually I would find one that allowed me to be who I am and accept the fact I was a LEO. Dont go through life asking yourself "what if" that would suck.

Me_in_front_of_destroyed_t-54_iraqi_tank_5-2-03_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Considering he hasn't come on here since he posted 23 days ago, I'd say she..umm I mean he has made his decision.

Water_lilies_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

LOL...point well taken thanos0341.

Photo_user_blank_big

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

OHH PLEASE~!!! MY ANSWER AND YOUR ANSWER ARE THE SAME~~!!! IF U MARRY THIS PERSON, IT WILL ONLY END UP IN DIVORCE COURT~!! I'M NOT TRYING TO BE NASTY, JUST KNOW WHAT "THE LIFE", IS LIKE~!!

FAMILY ALWAYS COMES FIRST, BUT BEING A LEO IS IN THE BLOOD~!!
XOXO

Photo_user_blank_big

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

OPPS, MY BAD~!! THIS IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY,....."ARE U FN KIDDING ME"??????? GET OVER IT OR GET OUT~!!! LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS BULLL-SHIT~!!!

Th_plugman1_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Thanos0341, dang you have your wife trained well. Does she bring your slippers in the morning so your feet don't get cold with the cold floor. Just kidding, settle down. I sort of agree with you. This job is about support of your loved ones, but are you going to go through life worndering, "I wish I would have done that?" If your wife understands how important it is to you, she will support you. I'll tell you a little secret ADAM12 it's all in the approach when you talk to your wife about LE being your dream and put a little wine in it. Not the alcohol. I don't know I'm full of it today. And also do what tat2 switch the tables on her. My husband wasn't to fond of me being a cop, and look now he's going through the academy.

Me_in_front_of_destroyed_t-54_iraqi_tank_5-2-03_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

I wish I had my wife trained! She just supports me in my endeavors & having had to endure two 6 month long combat tours apart with no guarantee of me coming home, as a Marine wife she knew the dangers that came with my job, so being a cop is no biggie for her.

Adam12_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Thanos I'm still here; and Birdy what's your deal? I've been posting other topics on this site. Part of posting a topic is to sit back and watch the rsponses roll in and learn from it. But just to clear anyone's misconceptions--I'm not trained, whooped, or wrapped around anyone's finger. It's just like some have said--family come's first and I've, or I should say we've worked very hard keeping ours strong and happy. I know what you mean with the approach SGT1202. I've proceeded at a different angle that is not as forceful or direct. She's a lot more open now to the idea and I'll actually be starting courses for an A.A. soon in CJ.

Img_0323_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Everyone has different opinions, but I say the wife comes first, period. My wife at first didn't want me to go into LE, because she had some bad experiences with cops that were jerks. She didn't want me to end up changing and becoming a jerk.

At the time I was doing loss prevention, and as far as the danger goes, I explained that as an LP, I had no weapons if someone were to ever pull a gun on me, as cops, we have lots of weapons.

After seeing I wouldn't change, she gave me her blessing, and now here I am. In honesty, if she had never been okay with it, I would have never done it, even though it has been a life long dream. I would rather do a job I like and have her, than to do a job a love and be alone. Luckily for me, I get a job I love, and a loving wife.

Maybe not always, but most of the time if you have a wife that truly cares for you anyway, she will see it makes you happy, and she will let you do it ;)

Me_in_front_of_destroyed_t-54_iraqi_tank_5-2-03_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

I remember when I 1st decided I wanted to see if I had what it took to be one of the few, my GF at the time said she didn't want me to join for all the reasons lots of females give, too dangerous, pay's not great, we'll be seperated while you train, deploy, etc. I told her this is what I wanted to do & she gave me an ultimatum, her or the corps......I sure did miss her while I was in bootcamp.

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