These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 


ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 

WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:       Yes.

ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

WITNESS:       I forget.

ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:    My name is Susan!

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 

WITNESS:     We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:     We do. 

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 

WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 

WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Are you kidding me?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

WITNESS:      Yes. 

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time? 

WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right? 

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY:    How many were boys? 

WITNESS:      None.

ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls? 

WITNESS:      Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:     By death.

ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:     Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? 

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female? 

WITNESS:     Guess. 

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 

WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? 

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:      Oral.

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 

WITNESS:    No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! 
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:     Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 

WITNESS:      No. 

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure? 

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor? 

WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 

WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This is worth posting a second time, via "comments!" And should be required reading for any Trial Attorney!

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 


WITNESS:      No. 


ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure? 


WITNESS:      No.


ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?


WITNESS:      No.


ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 


WITNESS:      No.


ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor? 


WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 


ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 


WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

WHAT A FREAKIN' HOOT!  Just so sad that someone was actually paying the Attorney for this garp!

Must find this book.

Ive now been validated for my hesitation to communicate with attys!!!  GOOD ONE!

jhunph says ...

DispatcherTerri says ...

isn't it sad that these are supposed to be "smart" people and when the sh!t happens to us we are supposed to use them to help fix the problem?? and this is what you get for a higher education... lawyers....

Well I don't think being smart is a requirement in becoming a lawyer. HAHAHAHA

haha, true, now that i think about it, and i have to say, i've noticed that it seems like the more people go to college the "stupider" they get....

jhunph says ...

DispatcherTerri says ...

isn't it sad that these are supposed to be "smart" people and when the sh!t happens to us we are supposed to use them to help fix the problem?? and this is what you get for a higher education... lawyers....

Well I don't think being smart is a requirement in becoming a lawyer. HAHAHAHA

Ha Ha Ha These are all awesome , and Yours comments too! I am a Law graduate and doing my juniorship,I found sometimes I am dealing with the bunch of idiots but has to,because they are Seniors,.....................but the all above things actually happens in the court.

Fantastic, thanks for sharing. I will definitely check out the book!

For all those that want to purchase the book go to this web site:  http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court-Fractured-Moments-Courtroom/dp/0393319288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224009865&sr=1-1

Those are hilarious!

THERE ARE SOME STUPID PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

SenecaSRO says ...

THERE ARE SOME STUPID PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

 

Yes there are some VERY STUPID PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!!!! AND THEY MAKE LOTS OF MONEY PRACTICING LAW!!!!

 

OMG...i laughed so hard my gut hurts.....

Book is on the way to my front door

hahahaha!! "oral" lol. i thought that was the best one! lol

Now that was funny.