Group Forums >> SARCASM >> come on make us laugh...one liners, short jokes, whatever

+3

come on make us laugh...one liners, short jokes, whatever

20,208 Views
104 Replies Flag as inappropriate
100_0316a_max50

39 posts

back to top

Posted almost 6 years ago

 

I received this one via text message...one of the funniest i've gotten in a while so i thought i'd share it. there is some sexual inuindo so read at your own risk.


I bought a race horse named him "my face" he's not very good, but imagine all the people in the stands screaming come on, my face!!

Robertmitchum_max50

6467 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

The differenc ebetween HUMOR and ODOR


HUMOR is a shift of wit


ODOR is a wift of sh......


Well you get it right...????


For so long as one hundred men remain alive, we shall never under any conditions submit to the domination of the English. It is not for glory or riches or honours that we fight, but only for liberty, which no good man will consent to lose but with his life.

The Declaration of Arbroath, 1320

SCREW TIBET FREE SCOTLAND !!!!

-6 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

HAAAAAAAAA!!!!  Along the Lines of Michael Hunt...  aka Mike Hunt...

Photo_user_banned_big

612 posts

back to top
+2

Rated +2 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

New "Call in" excuse...


A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that

she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

 

'What's the matter?' he asks.


'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.


'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'


'I can't see my ass coming into work today'


~~~In God we trust, All others we run through NCIC ~~~

~~~'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

Robertmitchum_max50

6467 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Recto-optomitus : Ass nerve crosses the eye nerve causing a chitty out look


For so long as one hundred men remain alive, we shall never under any conditions submit to the domination of the English. It is not for glory or riches or honours that we fight, but only for liberty, which no good man will consent to lose but with his life.

The Declaration of Arbroath, 1320

SCREW TIBET FREE SCOTLAND !!!!

Jal_fast_main_image_max50

1236 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 



A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.


Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.


She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."


"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.


As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"


"Yes, I am," said the officer.


"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"


Too many youngsters get their hands on firearms without proper supervision. Keep your guns secure from ALL unauthorized persons! Lets stop burying children - PLEASE (jal.fast@yahoo.com)

Tdog1_max50

170 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Best sick leave I've heard


officer: "won't be in today, I have an eye problem"


Supervisor" "an eye problem?"


officer: "yeah, I can't see myself working"

Hannah2_sq90_max50

1135 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You fool!!! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Hannah2_sq90_max50

1135 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devil's deducted $95.00.

Hannah2_sq90_max50

1135 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was  tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the  light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,

"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"  The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 

"I can't  dear,"  she said. 

"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

 "The big sissy."

Hannah2_sq90_max50

1135 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

A state trooper sees a vehicle on the interstate doing 33 miles an hour and pulls the car to make sure everything is all right. When he approaches the driver he discovers that it is a nun.

"Excuse me, sister. But are you alright ?" He asked.

She replies, "Oh, yes officer. We're just fine. Was I doing something wrong?"

The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or something."

"But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 33, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that."

Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 33, not the speed limit. The speed limit signs have a MPH at the bottom."

"Oh, now don't I feel foolish!", replied the nun turning red.

"That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. Then as he turns to say good-bye to the nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are trembling violently and quite pale.

"Sister, what is wrong with your friends? Can I escort you to a hospital ?"

"Oh, no, they're all right. We just turned off of Route 150."

Me_006_max50

68 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.


 


 


 

Socrates_max50

194 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

My Doctor told me today I was an excellent physical specamin for a man of 70....... unfortunately I'm 36.


When people ask me what I do I tell them I'm a PROCTOLOGIST specializing in Rectal-Cranial-Ectomies.

Dcb2_max50

498 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Going to war without France is a lot like going to the pool without your accordian!

Th_germanshepard_max50

1941 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Two Eskimos sitting by a fire drinking coffee. Up walked a baby seal, the first Eskimo says; welcome to the club.


Beyond fatigue lies compensatory hypertrophy

Mvc-001s_sq90_max50

628 posts

back to top
+2

Rated +2 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED

 I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (Son of Evel Knievel) event at the RBC Center this weekend

 if anybody wants them.


 He's going to try to jump 1000 Barack Obama supporters with a bulldozer.

Should be a pretty good time!

Dcb2_max50

498 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

jmf510 says ...



IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED

 I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (Son of Evel Knievel) event at the RBC Center this weekend

 if anybody wants them.


 He's going to try to jump 1000 Barack Obama supporters with a bulldozer.

Should be a pretty good time!



LMAO!!!! put me in for 4 tickets... gotta take the kids to this entertainment!

Avatar7636_1_max50

642 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Future_Blue1 says ...



A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devil's deducted $95.00.



funny


Friends always

MAKE YOUR OWN STAMPS/CARDS
check this out
www.zazzle.com/rimamaria*

Flowers_20_234__max50

705 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Ray & Bubba (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a

flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we

don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the

pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,

announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'

and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.


"Some people live their entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world. Marines don't have that problem." Ronald Reagan

Copy_of_patrch-new1_max50

14 posts

back to top
+2

Rated +2 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

off a stand up show:


A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. 


The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur"?


The rabbit replies, "no".


And the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

Sparkle_girl_max50

2539 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you cry under water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What disease did cured ham actually have?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I Don't look back for long, I keep looking Forward!
From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.

Scan_max50

204 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

A women once said that a man is like a deck of playing.... you need:


  A heart to love him,


        A Diamond to marry him,


        A Club to smash his fuc!ing head in, and


        A Spade to bury the Bastard.


"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening" ~ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT~

AWB Member~BurnyBird

Scan_max50

204 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

"Life isn't like a bowel of cherries or peaches....


It's more like a jar of jalapenos.


What you do today,


might burn your @$$ tomorrow."


 


PS If you want a copy of this email, send me a PM....


"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening" ~ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT~

AWB Member~BurnyBird

Cupid1_max50

227 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

seabeebu1 says ...



Going to war without France is a lot like going to the pool without your accordian!



  Going to War without the French is like going hunting without your Bagpipes..


God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the World....
Train the impossible so the impossible never happens..

Edy_back_tat_max50

48 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

patch says ...



I received this one via text message...one of the funniest i've gotten in a while so i thought i'd share it. there is some sexual inuindo so read at your own risk.


I bought a race horse named him "my face" he's not very good, but imagine all the people in the stands screaming come on, my face!!



LMAO funny shit man! 


Ok my jokes are all g rated... kids you know?   What did the farmer say when he found the chicken and the cow making out?  Brownchickenbrowncow  (get it... bowmchickawowow)!  Ok not funny I know... give me credit for trying lol

Cupid1_max50

227 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

  "You should be the poster Child for prophylactics"..


"Your the reason why first cousins shouldn't mate"..


  I've used this a couple of times with my new Officers..


"Hold on to that thought there Skippy, It's not recess time yet"...


  Whats the difference between fun and kinky???


  Fun is when you use a feather..


  Kinky is when you use the whole Chicken...


God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the World....
Train the impossible so the impossible never happens..

Crop_aaa0_1__max50

27 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

You are the distal end of an oral opening

Cupid1_max50

227 posts

back to top
Rate

Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

  This was told to me by my 10 year old son..


  A cabin boy serving on a British war ship in the early 1700's ran up to the Captain and said "Sir, there's 2 pirate ships off the port bow.. The Captain opens his telescope, looks at the ships and yells to the Cabin Boy Bring me my red pants".. The cabin boy looks at him with confusion and asks " Why do you need your red pants".. Captain replies " If I am wounded in battle, my men will not notice and continue to fight"..


  A week later the same Cabin Boy runs to the Captain and says "Sir, there are 20 French ships off the port bow".. The Captain Open his telescope and looks. He then tells the Cabin Boy " Bring me my Brown Pants"....


  Gotta love sending your children to Public School..


God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the World....
Train the impossible so the impossible never happens..

-10 posts

back to top
+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

This is a TRUE story.


I was at the gas station filling the tank on my car when I look up to see my brother in law, also filling up HIS tank. Needless to say, the pump on his end was slightly malfunctioning, as it didn't STOP when the tank was full..... it splashed out when he overfilled it and it covered his hand.


He went in to pay for his gas and came back out while his girlfriend was chewing him out "How could you be so stupid." He got mad and proceeded to light up a cigarette.


Predictably, his hand and arm immediately ignited.


He was sticking his arm out the open window frantically attempting to put out the flames. I yanked off my jacket, threw it on him and put the fire out, then I called 911 for the burns on his hand and arm.


The ambulance came and treated his burns and the police later arrested him. His court hearing took place last week. He was found guilty of one count of waving a firearm in public.


 


(Had ya goin didn't I.) ;-)

Scan_max50

204 posts

back to top
+3

Rated +3 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

A friend in Iraq sent this one to me!!!! WARNING: Foul language... READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will post 360 security so you dont get caught


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs

MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents Drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we fucked up...but hey, that shit was fun as fuck!"


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

MILITARY FRIENDS: laugh at you and tell you to put some vagasil on your pussy.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will listen to your relatioship problems and hope it works out for you.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will listen to you over a long hard road march, and will help you straighten it out better than Dr. Phil.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: know a few things about you.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Might try to hit on your girl behind your back.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Have spooned with you in the field more than your girl has, and would never even think about doing that.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will man up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, you better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste.. That's alcohol abuse!!!"


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore".

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will say "okay just one more" and then 2 minutes later "okay just one more".


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!!


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.


CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will repost this


"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening" ~ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT~

AWB Member~BurnyBird

Next Page >