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90 things you should never ask or tell a cop

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New-patch_max50

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Posted over 7 years ago

 

Found this on another site. Some funny stuff

1. No asking me directions while I'm pointing a shotgun at a suspect.

2. No following me at 100 mph just to see where I'm going.

3. No touching me. Ever.

4. No asking if I've ever killed anyone.

5. No asking to touch my gun.

6. No interrupting my meal break to ask for directions or tell me about a
ticket you got 20 years ago.

7. No pointing at me and tell your misbehaving child I'm gonna arrest him/her

8. No asking if I remember you from handling your bicycle theft 5 years ago.

9. No reminding me about police discretion when I tell you that you're getting a ticket. I know what it is. Fight it or pay it.

10. No asking if I can tell you who is the registered owner of a certain license plate or address. I doesn't matter if they are doin' your wife, I still can't tell you who they are.

11. No whiney little requests after I arrest you. No, you can't have a cigarrette, or a drink, we're not stopping to pick up your coat, nor will we take a potty break. You are going to jail , not a full-service hotel.

12. No crying to me when I empty a can of OC into the back seat with you. If you try to kick out the back windows of my car, I'm saving you a felony charge of destruction of PD property.

13. No lying about it. If I see you do it, You won't win.

14. No requests to run your name just so you can know if you have any warrants. Take a moment to think about what is going to happen if I find one. If you still can't figure out what I'm talking about and still want me to do it, please familiarize yourself with rules 11 and 12 above before we continue.

15. No telling me what the law is. I know. You don't.

16. No telling me you pay my salary. Let's assume for a moment that you do pay cops' salary. Well, I pay taxes too, so I pay cops' salary, too. So let's just say that this stop is on me.

17. No puking into my defroster

18. No spitting unless you want your head in a bag.

19. No craping in your pants in may car.

20. No ****ing in your pants in my car.

21. No telling me you know the mayor / sheriff / governor, president., etc.

22. No telling me it's my fault you life is ruined. You f*cked it up all by yourself.

23. No telling me you know the chief personally. So do I, and he expects me to do my job.

24. No telling me you know a cop named "Jim' who works downtown.

25. No calling and complaining about the lenght of your neighbors grass.

26. No ****ing people off. I am not your personal protection service. Stop ****ing people off.

27. No babysitting. At no point in time did it ever become my job to raise your children, I have enough problems raising my wiener dog thank you very much.

28. No approaching me on a traffic stop and asking to run my siren. Do I come to your office and ask to play with stuff?

29. No donut jokes

30. No telling your kids I will take them to jail. Say it, and I may take YOU to jail.

31. No asking for gas money. Get a job.

32. No groupies. Well, wait a minute...

33. No Wannabes.

34. No coffee and donuts jokes. However, cappuccino and croissants are acceptable.

35. No asking if you can test positive for a drug by just being around it.

36. No whining about me violating your probation. You did that all by yourself.

37. No telling the person on the phone, "There's a cop here and he's going to shoot me."

38. No bitching

39. No crying

40. No cheek slappers in my patrol car.

41. No whining about my spotlamp in your mirrors

42. No whining about my flashlight in your eyes

43. No arguing. Period. Just sign the friggin' ticket and shut the fu*k up.

44. No looking at my radar reading. Tough noogies, you'll just have to trust me.

45. No calling the judge names just because you know my video recorder is on.

46. No flashing my video recorder. Well...wait a minute....

47. If you're doing 100mph in a 70mph zone don't ask why I pulled u over

48) When I'm taking u to jail dont tell me about how ur going to be an officer one day.

49) When I walk in the room, don't say "I DIDN'T DO IT" cause you probably did at one time.

50) Don't insult my intelligence with obvious lies or anything else. I wasn't born yesterday.

51. No mistaking my kindness for weakness.

52. No asking to go shopping on a restricted license

53. No begging for a break. Beg, and you get the whole can.

54. No hurting children. That will make you my enemy and that is dangerous.

55. No telling me you're an Elk, Mason, Eagle or Moose. It means nothing to me.

56. No threatening my family. Fatal error.

57. No threatening to call my supervisor. He already knows I'm an a**hole.

58. No asking for an extra grope when I frisk you.

59. No asking for me to scratch an itchy spot during same frisk.

60. No complaining my hood is hot when I lay you out. I know. Black paint is hot.

61. No more asking for warnings. Automatic ticket.

62. No more asking me to wait for your friend to come and drive your car away instead of the wrecker. (It's part of the punishment).

63. No more stopping behind my traffic stop and blocking my lights.

64. No more saying you're a lawyer. Even if you were, it wouldn't matter.

65. No more saying you'll have my job for this. (yawn).

66. No "swearing to God," when your caught dirty.

67. No spelling my name wrong when you complain. Why do you thik they make me wear a nametag, you friggin' idiot!

68. No running. I will still catch you and when I do, I will express my dissastifaction.

69. No reaching under your seat unless you like the fel of cold gun metal in your ear.

70. No touching any weapons in your car just "to show me." You show me yours and I'll show you mine.

71. No stacking five or six cop ball caps in your rear deck.

72. No phony "I support cops" stickers in your window.

73. No telling me you had one beer. Nobody drinks one beer.

74. No staring at your speedometer in slackjawed disbelief when I tell you your speed.

75. No telling me your speedometer "said" something else. Speedometers don't talk.

76. No telling me your speedometer is broken. Ain't buyin' it.

77. No calling your dad (or anybody else) when I have you stopped and having him come out and bitch at me for stopping you.

78. No answering the above call and coming out to my stop, getting out of your car, storming over towards my patrol car, and crying "that's my son!!". I don't care. He's my stop. Go away or go to jail, and that's your only warning.

79. No comments about a "quota". Yes, it's true... three more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven.

80. No telling me that I should be out chasing "real criminals". You broke the law. That makes YOU a criminal. A "real" one even.

81. No telling me you're doing your botany homework, when I catch you in a cow pasture with a bag of mushrooms.

82. No telling me I pulled you over because you're black, oriental, cuban, iranian, mexican, hindu, canadian, samoan, redneck, because you're from out of state, meeting my quota, driving a mercedes, or any other ignorant reason other than what your ignorant a** did to get your ignorant a** stopped.

83. No coming to a complete stop in the hammer lane on the interstate if I come up behind you running code 3. This will make the Policeman very angry, and he may smite you in the pocketbook if he gets a Code 4 ( no further assistance needed ) transmission over the radio, and you are still in sight.

84. No interrupting me if I'm eating to come up to ask me if I know your brother/sister/friend/whoever that works for a small county agency on the other side of the state. Guess what? We all don't know each other! Now go away!

85. No complaining about me speeding on the way to jail. Do you really want to sit in the back of my squad all night? I have more people to arrest.

86. No forgetting who has the right of way at four way stop intersections. We really hate it when youo don't go when you are supposed to, just because your ascared of the police car also at the stop sign. We don't even care if you screw it up - JUST GO!

87. No ignoring my lights until you reach your driveway. Those lights mean stop - NOW!

88. No shouting out, "WE DON'T CHARGE COPS HERE. IT'S FREE!" as I stand at the head of a long line to pay for my lunch.

89. No asking scum questions, like if "they" can arrest/stop/detain/search you for this or that, when "they" is ME! I'm standing right in front of you! Ask if I can do it.

90. No shaking my hand. Refer back to #3.

Bbqxena_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

NICE - Those are good.......Funny to hear any crazy ways people tried to get out of tickets....... I had one lady, she had to reherse this with her little boy.........I walked up and the little boy said in the most "pitiful" voice....."pease don't give my momma a ticket......" She got ticketS and he got a baseball card:)

Citizens out there.........please don't ever involve your CHILDREN in assisting you on getting out of tickets and/or trouble......and I really hate #30..........when we hear that - you just told the cops AND your children....." I am incapable of teaching my children how to behave and I can only resort to scaring them..." NICE - you should be so proud of yourself as a parent..........

SMW4747 - Good Read....

Hearts_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Doesn't leave much left to say, does it!

Photo_user_blank_big

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

thats hilarious!

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Lol!!

Frank_at_work_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Ref: #3, the ever should be in all capitol letters. EVER! If I want to shake hands I’ll put mine out first, and no, I don’t want to hug anybody while I’m working.

Oh, and the answer to the question “Will you really shoot me if I do…” is
“Yes, really I will. And then I’ll get 3-days off with pay, so don’t tempt me.”

Hearts_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

*singing* What the world..... needs now..... is love, sweet love....

Lighten up big boy.

Frank_at_work_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Yeah, but telling them that kept it from happening. But I was looking for an excuse for the 3-dyas off with pay.

Misty_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 7 years ago

 

Love it! Real funny!

Usmcdevildog_max50

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

What's your name and badge number? This one gets old.


"Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men and liked it never really care for anything else thereafter. You will meet them doing various other things with resolve, but their interest rarely holds because after the other thing ordinary life is as flat as the taste of wine after the taste buds have been burned off your tongue." Ernest Hemingway

Landscape_avatar_0015_www

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

I printed this out for my kids. They laughed as they were reading it. Then we talked about some of the things officers have to put up with and how some of these would apply to our more goofy relatives. Funny and informative.

Wolf_max160_max50

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

These aren't my pants! -I do the "happy dance" in my head when I hear that one... which is too often.


Firearms are second only to the Constitution in importance; they are the peoples' liberty's teeth. -George Washington

3734983337_1__max50

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

have you guys heard this one.... why were you running,
because you were chasing me.

9-11-logo_max50

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

"You're only arresting me because I'm (insert profile characteristic here)."

"You're only saying that because I'm not."

Shedevil2_max50

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

smw gotta love it............my answer usually was .......obviously you've mistaken me for someone who gives a $h*t


...don't play with me , i'll keep you way up after your bedtime.....

3734983337_1__max50

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

when im given a sob story about why they ran from me and are trying to get them selfs out of trouble, i start looking around patting my pockets looking in my car under the seat and thn tell the perp,"sorry i seem to have left my ability to care at home' most dont think that is funny, but i do.

L_5334c08ecb3f3508ca6a210763767eb8_max50

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

A deputy friend of mine walked into a convenience store once, and some comedian threw up his hands and said, "I didn't do it." My friend, who was tired and not amused, asked for his ID and the guy had a bench warrant for not paying a fine. A $50 traffic ticket quickly turned into about $600 worth of bail and fees. My friend thought it was funny as hell, and wishes he could have a picture of the guy's expression.

Photo_user_blank_big

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Rate This | Posted about 7 years ago

 

Funny stuff here. LOL!

Flowers_20_234__max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

Let's see if any of the new members can add to this list....I know on one forum ,they got it up to 200 and man, I never laughed so dang hard inmy life!!!


"Some people live their entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world. Marines don't have that problem." Ronald Reagan

Evil_max50

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+1

Rated +1 | Posted almost 6 years ago

 

That is a lot to read but I don't recall seeing:


No asking for a ride to BFE or where ever, it says POLICE on the side of my car not TAXI


No asking if I will handcuff and take you home, to work or where the hell ever to show off to family and friends how much of a troll you really are.


 


You have the rest of your life to solve the problem, how long your life lasts depends on how well you do it. -Clint Smith

Respect it

Policelinkbadge_max160_max160_max160_max160_max160_max50_1__max50

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+1

Rated +1 | Posted over 5 years ago

 

OK, on behalf of us wives I would like to say:


 


1. Every SINGLE time I hear some woman tell a child I will have that Police man arrest you, I get down on the kids level and tell them face to face that I know a police man, live with a police man, and know all the people he works with, and no WAY are they ever going to arrest him. Some day, some woman is gonna B%$ch slap me. - but don't ever tell a kid that.


2. No fair EVER saying I #*$&ed your wife- we wouldn't do you if hell froze over- we have cops to do. :)

In_remembrance_of_oakland_pd_max50_max50_max50_max50_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

If you run from us, you will go to jail tired.


If you fight with us/me, you will go to jail bruised and battered.


No you can not try on the handcuffs for fun.

Trot_copy_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

lol. that was great


I'd love to have a battle of wits with you, but you appear unarmed.

Hannah2_sq90_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 5 years ago

 

Really enjoyed reading this....LOVED it!