When dealing with the police remember:
1. No asking me directions while I'm pointing a shotgun at a suspect.
2. No following me at 100 mph just to see where I'm going.
3. No touching me. Ever.
4. No asking if I've ever killed anyone.
5. No asking to touch my gun.
6. No interrupting my meal break to ask for directions or tell me

about a ticket you got 20 years ago.
7. No pointing at me and tell your misbehaving child I'm gonna arrest him/her
8. No asking if I remember you from handling your bicycle theft 5 years ago.
9. No reminding me about police discretion when I tell you that you're getting a ticket. I know what it is. Fight it or pay it.
10. No asking if I can tell you who is the registered owner of a certain license plate or address. I doesn't matter if they are doin'

your wife, I still can't tell you who they are.
11. No whiney little requests after I arrest you. No, you can't have a cigarrette, or a drink, we're not stopping to pick up your coat, nor will we take a potty break. You are going to jail , not a full-service hotel.
12. No crying to me when I empty a can of OC into the back seat with you. If you try to kick out the back windows of my car, I'm saving you a felony charge of destruction of PD property.
13. No lying about it. If I see you do it, You won't win.
14. No requests to run your name just so you can know if you have any warrants. Take a moment to think about what is going to happen if I find one. If you still can't figure out what I'm talking about and still want me to do it, please familiarize yourself with rules 11 and 12 above before we continue.
15. No telling me what the law is. I know. You don't.
16. No telling me you pay my salary. Let's assume for a moment that you do pay cops' salary. Well, I pay taxes too, so I pay cops' salary, too. So let's just say that this stop is on me.
17. No puking into my defroster
18. No spitting unless you want your head in a bag.
19. No craping in your pants in my car.
20. No Pissing in your pants in my car.
21. No telling me you know the mayor / sheriff / governor, president., etc.
22. No telling me it's my fault your life is ruined. You f*cked it up all by yourself.
23. No telling me you know the Chief personally. So do I, and he expects me to do my job.
24. No telling me you know a cop named "Jim' who works downtown.
25. No calling and complaining about the length of your neighbors grass.
26. No pissing people off. I am not your personal protection service. Stop pissing people off.
27. No babysitting. At no point in time did it ever become my job to raise your children, I have enough problems raising my wiener dog thank you very much.
28. No approaching me on a traffic stop and asking to run my siren. Do I come to your office and ask to play with stuff?
29. No donut jokes
30. No telling your kids I will take them to jail. Say it, and I may take YOU to jail.
31. No asking for gas money. Get a job.
32. No groupies. Well, wait a minute...
33. No Wannabes.
34. No coffee and donuts jokes. However, cappuccino and croissants are acceptable.
35. No asking if you can test positive for a drug by just being around it.
36. No whining about me violating your probation. You did that all by yourself.
37. No telling the person on the phone, "There's a cop here and he's going to shoot me."
38. No whining
39. No crying
40. No cheek slappers in my patrol car.
41. No whining about my spotlamp in your mirrors
42. No whining about my flashlight in your eyes
43. No arguing. Period. Just sign the friggin' ticket and shut the fuck up.
44. No looking at my radar reading. Tough noogies, you'll just have to trust me.
45. No calling the judge names just because you know my video recorder is on.
46. No flashing my video recorder. Well...wait a minute....
47) If you're doing 100mph in a 70mph zone don't ask why I pulled you over
48 When I'm taking u to jail dont tell me about how ur going to be an officer one day.
49) When I walk in the room, don't say "I DIDN'T DO IT" cause you probably did at one time.
50) Don't insult my intelligence with obvious lies or anything else. I wasn't born yesterday.
51. No mistaking my kindness for weakness.
52. No asking to go shopping on a restricted license
53. No begging for a break. Beg, and you get the whole can.
54. No hurting children. That will make you my enemy and that is dangerous.
55. No telling me you're an Elk, Mason, Eagle or Moose. It means nothing to me.
56. No threatening my family. Fatal error.
57. No threatening to call my supervisor. He already knows I'm an ass hole.
58. No asking for an extra grope when I frisk you.
59. No asking for me to scratch an itchy spot during same frisk.
60. No complaining my hood is hot when I lay you out. I know.
61. No more asking for warnings. Automatic ticket.
62. No more asking me to wait for your friend to come and drive your car away instead of the wrecker. (It's part of the punishment).
63. No more stopping behind my traffic stop and blocking my lights.
64. No more saying you're a lawyer. Even if you were, it wouldn't matter.
65. No more saying you'll have my job for this. (yawn) and can I take a nap now.
66. No "swearing to God," when your caught dirty. because HE doesnt give a rats ass then.
67. No spelling my name wrong when you complain. Why do you think they make me wear a nametag, you friggin' idiot!
68. No running. I will still catch you and when I do, I will express my disastifaction.
69. No reaching under your seat unless you like the feel of cold gun metal in your ear.
70. No touching any weapons in your car just "to show me." You show me yours and I'll show you mine.
71. No stacking five or six cop ball caps in your rear deck.
72. No  "I support cops" stickers in your window.
73. No telling me you had one beer. Nobody drinks one beer.
74. No staring at your speedometer in slackjawed disbelief when I tell you your speed.
75. No telling me your speedometer "said" something else. Speedometers don't talk.
76. No telling me your speedometer is broken. Ain't buyin' it.
77. No calling your dad (or anybody else) when I have you stopped and having him come out and bitch at me for stopping you.
78. No answering the above call and coming out to my stop, getting out of your car, storming over towards my patrol car, and crying "that's my son!!". I don't care. He's my stop. Go away or go to jail, and that's your only warning.
79. No comments about a "quota". Yes, it's true... three more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven.
80. No telling me that I should be out chasing "real criminals". You broke the law. That makes YOU a criminal. A "real" one even.
81. No telling me you're doing your botany homework, when I catch you in a cow pasture with a bag of mushrooms.
82. No telling me I pulled you over because you're black, oriental, cuban, iranian, mexican, hindu, canadian, samoan, redneck, because you're from out of state, meeting my quota, driving a mercedes, or any other ignorant reason other than what your ignorant ass did to get your ignorant ass stopped.
83. No coming to a complete stop in the hammer lane on the interstate if I come up behind you running code 3. This will make the Policeman very angry, and he may smite you in the pocketbook if he gets a Code 4 ( no further assistance needed) transmission over the radio, and you are still in sight.
84. No interrupting me if I'm eating to come up to ask me if I know your brother/sister/friend/whoever that works for a small county agency on the other side of the state. Guess what? We all don't know each other! Now go away!
85. No complaining about me speeding on the way to jail. Do you really want to sit in the back of my squad all night? I have more people to arrest.
86. No forgetting who has the right of way at four way stop intersections. We really hate it when you don't go when you are supposed to, just because your scared of the police car also at the stop sign. We don't even care if you screw it up - JUST GO!
87. No ignoring my lights until you reach your driveway. Those lights mean stop - NOW!
88. No shouting out, "WE DON'T CHARGE COPS HERE. IT'S FREE!" as I stand at the head of a long line to pay for my lunch. Charge me, I'd be glad to pay for it.
89. No asking stupid questions, like if "they" can arrest/stop/detain/search you for this or that, when "they" is ME! I'm standing right in front of you! Ask if I can do it.
90. No shaking my hand. Refer back to #3.

That list ROCKS man...Great job.

this should be a flyer i could hand out when i am out.

I had to make it an even 100 I hope you approve.

91. No asking me “don’t you have something more important to do?” I’d be doing it trust me.

92. No I don’t want to hear the joke about your wife running off with a Trooper, Deputy, Officer, and you thinking I was bringing her back.

93. No you don’t pay my salary; the state pays my salary, with less than 1% of your tax dollars.

94. No asking how fast you are allowed to drive; there are signs for that, they say speed LIMIT.

95. No pointing out all the other violators driving by, I’m currently busy with one.

96. No I don’t care if the previous officer said it was OK, I’m not him.

97. No I’m not going to follow you so you can check your speedometer, there are people for that, and they are called mechanics.

98. No I’m not going to call your, insurance company/ parole officer/ Narc that you’re working for.

99. No quoting bible verses or asking if I'm Christian. Read Romans Chapter 13

100. NO ASKING TO WEAR MY HAT, GO TO THE ACADEMY AND EARN YOUR OWN!

KSP494 says ...

I had to make it an even 100 I hope you approve.

 

91. No asking me “don’t you have something more important to do?” I’d be doing it trust me.

92. No I don’t want to hear the joke about your wife running off with a Trooper, Deputy, Officer, and you thinking I was bringing her back.

 

93. No you don’t pay my salary; the state pays my salary, with less than 1% of your tax dollars.

 

94. No asking how fast you are allowed to drive; there are signs for that, they say speed LIMIT.

 

95. No pointing out all the other violators driving by, I’m currently busy with one.

 

96. No I don’t care if the previous officer said it was OK, I’m not him.

 

97. No I’m not going to follow you so you can check your speedometer, there are people for that, and they are called mechanics.

 

98. No I’m not going to call your, insurance company/ parole officer/ Narc that you’re working for.

99. No asking where Trooper, Deputy, Officer so and so lives these days. If you were that good of friends, you’d know

 

100. NO ASKING TO WEAR MY HAT, GO TO THE ACADEMY AND EARN YOUR OWN!

 

HAHA!! LMAO!! 100% APPROVED...COME TO THINK OF IT...YOU WROTE THIS ENTIRE LIST DIDNT YOU!!!

bcsodispatcher says ...

KSP494 says ...

I had to make it an even 100 I hope you approve.

 

91. No asking me “don’t you have something more important to do?” I’d be doing it trust me.

92. No I don’t want to hear the joke about your wife running off with a Trooper, Deputy, Officer, and you thinking I was bringing her back.

 

93. No you don’t pay my salary; the state pays my salary, with less than 1% of your tax dollars.

 

94. No asking how fast you are allowed to drive; there are signs for that, they say speed LIMIT.

 

95. No pointing out all the other violators driving by, I’m currently busy with one.

 

96. No I don’t care if the previous officer said it was OK, I’m not him.

 

97. No I’m not going to follow you so you can check your speedometer, there are people for that, and they are called mechanics.

 

98. No I’m not going to call your, insurance company/ parole officer/ Narc that you’re working for.

99. No asking where Trooper, Deputy, Officer so and so lives these days. If you were that good of friends, you’d know

 

100. NO ASKING TO WEAR MY HAT, GO TO THE ACADEMY AND EARN YOUR OWN!

 

HAHA!! LMAO!! 100% APPROVED...COME TO THINK OF IT...YOU WROTE THIS ENTIRE LIST DIDNT YOU!!!

 

 

#100...MY FAVORITE!!!

The last guy almost lost a finger, 12 years old or not, he shoud have asked!

I wonder if the state will print all these on the back of our citations?

101. No walking in between me and a suspect on a felony stop.

102. No asking me to take or be in a photo of you/your girlfriend or any other friggin person being handcuffed as a joke.

103. No asking why I am not chasing bank robbers when I stop you at 2 a.m.

104. No you may not use any of my equipment.

105. No you may not sit in my patrol car unless you are a child with a moronic parent that violated rule # 7

106. No you may not have a ride, this is a police car not a taxi it only takes people to jail.

107. No asking me where the best bar/strip club etc is located.

108. No asking if I have kids/married etc., and saying you do, to try to garner sympathy or a break for your own stupidity.

109. No asking me to follow you home after I just cited you for driving while license suspended, get out and walk.

110. No asking me if you can use my cell phone, ain't gonna happen.

So true.

"Why can't I drive as fast as you?"

I got people to arrest, do you?

And DON'T EVER walk behind me and put your hand on my shoulder. You will be eating dirt!

KSP494 says ...

110. No saying, "Oh I thought you were officer so and so." to try and get out of your ticket that are now definitely getting.

NO NO...THATS 111.  Now you only have 89 more to go!

Great Post....Thank you

squidley says ...

don't forget..."if all ya'll are in here eating, I guess I can go out and speed".  Whenever I hear that, I can't even fake a smile...so tired of it

great point!

112. No asking,"If you are all in here who's out there, or, nows the time to speed.

Robocop33 says ...

Totally amazed that a dispatcher was able to come up with 90 perfect "NO's" Tell the truth, you were not always a dispatcher, you worked a patrol unit. Outstanding! 'as I stand up and salute the monitor'

NOPE..always been a dispatcher...wish i could take full credit here!! But i cant...this is actually a list started by patrol units and has been added onto by hearing the numerous and HYSTERICAL and outrageous things that people say to my officers/deputies/troopers!! The guys/gals come in off the streets popping these out and we (dispatchers) write them ALL down!! See we're good for something..even if its to make you all laugh later at this list that you ALL know is so accurate!! HAHA!!! Once we stopped laughing at the stupidity of some people's tact or lack there of...we get some humor out of it!!

OH here is a great one

115. OH Your state police you can't help me. Is there a jurisdiction in the state bigger than state?