Off Duty Forums >> Police Family Life >> What are some of the shocking things your kids have said that make you laugh when you should not.

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What are some of the shocking things your kids have said that make you laugh when you should not.

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Police_patch_max50

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Posted almost 7 years ago

 

I have a son that has just started kindergarden and now knows everything because so and so said. This past week he has came up to me and said Dad are you smart.. I replied well yes son... He looks me in the eye and says.. Well I'm a freaking Genuis and then walks off. Today when he came home from school he asked me to make him a pretzel. I told him to hold on a sec because I was busy.. He looks at me and say Dad just make me the damn Pretzel.. I wasn't mad but explained to him that we did not talk like that. He looks at me confused and tells me that he is now 6 and he is a big boy now and "big boys" can say whatever he wants.

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Rate This | Posted almost 7 years ago

 

Long day a school, kid walks in the door and says " SHI---talkymushrooms !!!" I laughed.

Th_az_pom-1-1_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 7 years ago

 

God-daughter was playing "waitress," serving tea, asking if we'd like anything else, and then suddenly said "I gotta take a dump." I nearly died.

Kirlian-fingerprints_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 7 years ago

 

Just today my daughter got mad at me and said FOR CRYING out loud mom this freaking sucks... The freaking part was the full on f word SHE'S 5......


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

008_max50

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Rate This | Posted almost 7 years ago

 

My four year old and me were playing around in the floor wrestling and I got up to go check on her little brother that is 18 months and my daughters says "Yeah you better walk away mom before I beat your face off"I just busted out laughing come to find out with her big sister taught her that saying.

Peace

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Rate This | Posted almost 7 years ago

 

Brad33 said:

Long day a school, kid walks in the door and says " SHI---talkymushrooms !!!" I laughed.

Good One.............!


......live at peace with everyone........

Peace

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Rate This | Posted almost 7 years ago

 

Some time ago, when my daughter was '2', we were shopping at an Air Force Commissary, in the freezer section. You know, the ones with the horizontal freezers, '8' rows, all the way across the store...... Well, Thank God it was midday and only the 'unemployed' were shopping because, with complete seriousness, my daughter pipes up all of a sudden, at the TOP of her lungs, "Mommy, did you know Daddy goes pee-pee outside...?'

Well, talk about busting at the seams! It was everything to not be too obvious and still wonder if anyone was going to respond before we left. I could not get to the door fast enough, especially since the cart was full!

Paul Harvy: They had just come home from camping with friends in the back woods of the 'in-laws' ranch.......


......live at peace with everyone........

Photo_user_banned_big

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Youngest 6 yrs old last X-mas is telling Old Saint Nick what she wants for X-mas and then proceeds to tell him "Santa you need a tic-tac." I lost it laughing so hard I started crying and so did a few others that were standing around. LMAO

Th_detective_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

As a driver I have always tended to be quite vocal regarding the inability of some others to operate their veihicle without creating some type of chaos on the roadway. When my daughter was young, about 3yrs old, she would often be in the car during my frequent verbal tirades. On one occasion my wife, daughter and I were going somewhere in the car and had stopped at a traffic light (second in line). The light turned green and the car in front of me just sat there, motionless. Before I could say anything my daughter's tiny voice called out from the back seat, "Move Asshole"! That look from my wife was all I needed to fall apart laughing.......needless to say, I was a bit less vocal from then on when my daughter was in the car.


"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
Steve Jobs

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Vicred_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

I just remembered this one...

March 17th, 2002

I was getting ready to go to Tijuana with Bev, my sister in law, for the day- for some R&R and shopping. Well, considering this was my 1st trip to tj in a few years- without the kids, I was excited to go. I woke up rather early that day, around 5 AM and got ready...you know...shit shower shave routine. Well, I was in the shower, and Sarah walks in and opens the shower curtain. She looks up at me, and proceeds to sing to the tune of the hokey pokey (which she had learned that week at school), "You put your nipple in...you put your nipple out... you put your nipple in and you shake it all about.."

Yes! She opened the shower curtain and saw me in my full glory, NUDE! Sure, my nipples were erect. And she caught on to that fact! For a 4 year-old child, she was pretty observant- astute!

Obviously, again, it was one of those "outta the mouths of babes" moments, and I laughed wholeheartedly. It truly made my day, and I still laugh about it.

Vicred_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

The things that come out of children's mouths is sometimes better than any other entertainment out there. My oldest daughter, Sarah, has a high functioning form of Autism, and with this is a lack of censorship. This can be quite humourous- and at the most inconvenient times.

One day, I was driving to the market, and I had her in her car seat- she was barely 2 at the time. Well, I was driving down one of the neighborhood streets, and this stupid kid cut in front of me on his skateboard. Without missing a beat, in her little 2 year-old voice, she proceedes to say, "You STUPID!". I slowed down, and turned around, and asked her "What?". I was almost in disbelief. She said, "You stupid MORON!". I lost it! I started cracking up at this little pint sized version of me. Now, let me ask you....how in the hell could a 2 year-old get what she was saying....AND use the insult in the proper context???

Another time, again, I had to go to the market to pick up Sarah's meds. I was struggling to get Hannah in the shopping cart- as her form of muscular dystrophy has left her hypotonic, and it was basically like trying to maneuver a 70 pound ragdoll that feels twice that weight. It is not an easy task. Anyway, as I was struggling with Hannah, a bald man walked past us, and AGAIN, without missing a beat, Sarah said- quite loud- "HI! YOU HAVE A SHINY HEAD." Again, I lost it. It was an uncomfortable situation, as the man was NOT amused. I mean, if you could have seen him, you would have laughed too. This guy's head was as shiny as a polished cue ball. Sarah has an innate ability of comedic timing that just may get her everywhere. LOL

One evening, we were at our neighbor's house. Kathy, Liz and I are quite close friends. Kathy is 62, and the years have not been very kind to her. Her face is a bit craggy with wrinkles. I suppose that's the price of living a hard life, and lots of partying at a young age. Liz doesn't look too much better either. Liz has a love affair with Southern Comfort, and is pretty much piss- drunk on a daily basis. Hmmm....wonder what her liver looks like? So, we're all hanging out on Kathy's front porch, and Sarah walks up to Kathy, and decides to schmooze her way into Kathy's good graces. Sarah said, "Kathy, I like you. You're sweet.................................................................and old.". Thankfully, we all have a great and twisted sense of humour, cause we all were laughing so hard, the tears were flooding from our eyes. A moment or two later, after we had all regained our composure, Sarah struck again. This time it was Liz. Liz wore a tiny diamond heart pendant. Well, Sarah walked up to Liz, and complimented Liz on her necklace, saying... "I like your necklace. It's pretty.......................just kidding." Again, we laughed our fool heads off. I tell you, this kids timing is absolutely IMPECCABLE! She really should consider a career in comedy.

Last year, on another occasion, Sarah and I were walking home from Kathy's house, and her stomach was on the prowl so to speak. Poor little kid had eaten something the day before that did not agree with her. So, she was the gas factory all day. Well, walking home, she had let one rip, and the odor was noxious. Sarah turned to me and asked, "Was that me, or did something crawl up my butt and die?". Needless to say, I could not contain my laughter.

All I can wonder is where in the hell does this kid come up with these?

Then there's Hannah...

Halloween last year, I took the kids out around the neighborhood, so they could get their fair stash of candy. Yeah, like they need it. Anyway, I'm pushing Hannah in her wheelchair, and her chair has front casters that light up, much like that of inline skates. So, it was dark and we came across some highschool kids that were trying to get their share of the evenings offerings. One kid commented on the light up wheels on Hannah's chair, and half joked that he wanted a wheelchair like hers. Hannah, in her smart-assed glory, told the boy, with attitude, "Hey buddy, if you want a wheelchair like mine, you need to at least have a broken leg." HUH? What did I just hear. She dissed this kid with out a second thought. In the back of my mind, I thought, 'good one, kid.' About a half hour later, we were rolling up to one of the many homes of the night, and this elderly couple came out. They oohhed and ahhed at the girls being dressed in their little princess costumes. Hannah introduced herself to the couple, and then introduced me. She said, "This is my mom, and she's stubborn." What? We all laughed. I think the couple was a bit embarrassed for me. But, with a kid like that, I shrug it off. As we were on our way back home, in the bottom stretch of collecting the sweet morsels, we hit another house. This time it was a Korean woman, who spoke broken English with a thick accent. She did not have candy for the children. Instead, she was passing out little leaflets promoting her Korean Baptist Church. She asked us, "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?". Sarah, AGAIN, in her perfect little way, said, "Yeah, that's what mommy says when she's pissed off!". Holy shit! This kid is really something else. Needless to say, I thought it best we leave for home in an expedient manner.

Pict4249_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

I am sure in afew years I will have some stories about my son who is now 16 months but I want to tell one on my 16 year old niece. She was about 4 when she was telling me good bye. She said, "Bye shithead!" I am still laughing about that now. I am sure she heard it from her big brothers. We all busted out laughing. Sometimes you gotta laugh.

Alpha_sigma_phi_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

I don't have any kids yet, but I'm sure if they're anything like me when I was younger, I won't be able to stop laughing. When I was about 6 or 7 years old, we were driving past a large cornfield in the summertime. The windows were down, the radio on blasting and I'm in the back seat going "SHHHHHH!!! SHHHHH!!!!!!" My mom turns the radio down and goes "What's the matter Sam?" and again I go "SHHHHHHHH! SHHHHHHHHHH!!" She again asked what was the matter and in the most serious voice I could muster with the straightest face I said "We have to be quiet! The corn have ears!" My mom was laughing so hard she started to cry, she had to pull over so we wouldn't get into an accident. To this day every now and then, it still gets her when we're driving past a cornfield, she'll start laughing out of nowhere. lol

Photo_user_banned_big

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Our younest....is 4 years old. She came in the other day with a new song they sang at school. Will is was "Where is Thumbkin" only she can't say Thumbkin........it comes out Fu*****........you get the picture! I thought my family would never stop rolling in the floor.

Boogers_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

My son was born in a foreign country and learned to speak English a little late... anyway, 5 years old I guess... he ate with a "spoon and f*ck"... =) and his favorite dessert was "chocolate a$$ cream." hahahaha

Newhk_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

My son was 5 at the time... I was making him dinner... and he told me I needed to "make the food with love, cause mommy always makes love with the food" I was rolling...


"Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties." -
-- Abraham Lincoln

Shroudedbadgesosilver_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Unfortunately, one of my boys was 16 YEARS when this happened...he had just gotten his first job & it was at an auto parts store. After a few weeks of working there, this kid thinks he knows EVERYTHING about cars. He's buying stuff for his (MY) car, keeping it clean, etc.
I come home one day to find him having just washed the car, cleaned it inside, shined the tires; the whole 9 yards. He's soooo proud of himself for having such a sweet ride, he's taking joy in taking care of it and he's beaming like a set of headlights on bright. I was so happy that he was learning about cars AND keeping mine clean, I was totally speechless when he told me he even CLEANED THE BRAKES WITH WD40 BECAUSE THEY WERE STARTING TO SQUEEK. When I regained my thought process, all i could do was shriek and LMAO because he knew 'everything about cars.' Even Mama knows better than to do that!
BTW, he HATES when i tell that story, especially since he's 22 now & I still ROTFLMAO when I tell it!

Photo_user_blank_big

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

My best friend and neighbor is hispanic and her first language is Spanish but her english is good too. One day after getting mad at her son for not listening she began yelling at him in Spanish my son got quite and looked puzzled. Then turned around to his friend and said " I don't know what she said but you are in a lot of trouble" We were so shocked all we could do is laugh.

Photo_user_banned_big

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

miniceptor said:

My son was born in a foreign country and learned to speak English a little late... anyway, 5 years old I guess... he ate with a "spoon and f*ck"... =) and his favorite dessert was "chocolate a$$ cream." hahahaha

OMG thats awesome.

744px-flag_of_new_mexico

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

My ten year old son tells me "Mom I saw this girl and she was HOT!! I asked where did you see her (this girl) and he replied at the basketball game she's new in town, Mom I have to go to church and see if she goes to our church and she's about my age. He's turning 11, in a couple of weeks and I am asking my self boy I am in for it, he's the only with two teenage daughters. Today at work I thought about what he said she's "hot" and I just laughed to myself only if he knew how much it would cost to have a girlfriend, he has a big surprise coming.

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

It's a dad thing. When you pass gas, you blame it on the cat. My 3-year-old son passed gas at the dinner table one night and blamed it on the cat. I spit out a mouthful and the wife was not pleased, but we both ended up laughing so hard we cried.

Meangreen01_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

We're potty training our boy right now. I tell him he needs to potty like a big boy...pee-pee and poo-poo in the toilet. So we're at the the store and he tells his mother that he needs to potty and she takes him. They come back and he is beaming with pride at his newest accomplishment. He then proceeds grab his crotch and announce his accomplishment at the top of his lungs, "Daddy! I pee-pee in the toilet just like you!"

My wife and I (but more my wife)...and the entire aisle were hysterically laughing.


"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." ~ George Orwell

"Honor First!"

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Ring_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

Ok, about two years ago my son, like boys do, was throwing rocks. Of course, one of the rocks hit the window on our vehicle and broke it out. I was upset and admit that I over reacted. He got me back when we were driving home from the in-laws about a week later and a wrecker pulling a totalled out vehicle similar to ours passed by and he began to cry. I asked him what was wrong and he pointed to the wrecker and said, 'Daddy, I didn't do that one'. Needless to say I felt like crap for a minute but it was pretty dern funny!

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

My youngest was about 5 and his brother and sister did not wait for him to come inside the house and he was just short enough that he could not open the door by himself. My wife realized he was outside and opened the door for him, at which point he promptly walks in, throws his coat onto the floor and shouts "Those d**kheads left me outside" while walking past her. My wife asked him what he said, to which he replied "You heard me" and then walked into his room.

Right or wrong, all I could do was stifle the laughter at the comment although later that night we had a nice chat about using certain words.

Wisconsin_football_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

GREAT TOPIC.....LMAO

My daughter was 4 and told me she wanted to climb up a water tower and paint "naughty words" on it....

My son and I were driving in my truck, he was 2 1/2....the snowplow nailed the side of my truck with snow and he said "What the F**K dad? What the F**K???? while throwing his hands in the air.....


"Show class, have pride, and display character. If you do, winning takes care of itself." - Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant

"America was not built on fear."

"America was built on courage, imagination and an unbeatable determination to do the job at hand. " - President Harry S. Truman

1383664303724_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

my daughter around the age of three asked my father her papa "Papa play dinosours with me?" (the little plastic animals) "well" he said "if you can name one dino i will play with you" she thought long and hard and then said "i know.... you papa-sourus!" i still crack up. and another time my mom said to her "papa is full of poop his eyes are brown" she went over to him and screamed "oh no it is true he is full of poop!" HAHA

N1202178746_305955_5462_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

My little girl was 5 on her last visit from TX, as we were driving down the road she was messing with the door. I looked back and said, "What are you doing sweetie." She replied, "I'm trying to roll the damn window down."(5 y/o) I almost wrecked.


Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off the goal.

Tn_1__max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

My 3 yr old daughter was put up stairs by my wife for not listening. When my wife came down stairs she turned the light off without thinking. The next thing she hears in our daughter walking downstairs and makes the following comment. " Who the F**K is going to turn the light on" I was at work and the wife called me right after it happened. I don't think I stopped laughing for a couple of minutes. We now watch what we say around her.

Nypd_helicopter_max50

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

I took my son, who was 7 at the time, on his first trip into New York City. At some point in the day, we were taking an escalator down into the train station, and there was a homeless guy lying on the floor at the bottom of the escalator, just off to one side. As we get closer, the homeless guy shakes his cup of coins at us, looking for a donation. My son asks "Daddy, why is that man all dirty and lying on the floor with that cup?" I replied, "He's homeless and looking for people to give him money in his cup." The look on my son's face was that of confusion, and then deep thought. After about a minute, my son says "Daddy............I don't think he can fit enough money for a home in that cup."

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Rate This | Posted over 6 years ago

 

KETOLACA said:

GREAT TOPIC.....LMAO

My daughter was 4 and told me she wanted to climb up a water tower and paint "naughty words" on it....

My son and I were driving in my truck, he was 2 1/2....the snowplow nailed the side of my truck with snow and he said "What the F**K dad? What the F**K???? while throwing his hands in the air.....

You know what they say, "Imitation is the sincerest (form) of flattery." - Charles Caleb Colton

When my oldest son was three years old, we visited a local pet store where he observed a black and white cat. Being the bright young man that he is, he immediately made a connection between the cat and one he had seen on cartoons by exclaiming (rather loudly), "Look Dad! It's BASTARD CAT!".... He could not pronouce "Sylvester at the time..."

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