An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering a
"Venomous Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction:
1. FBI - Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After the snake
caught by local police, the FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150
agents, sets up a command center, holds a press conference, and
takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking credit, the
command post is packed up and the FBI task force return to their
office to await
another large event to take credit for...In the mean time, FBI
4,000 more agents to combat snake activity associated with
2. US Secret Service - Forms a protective ring of agents around the
snake and escorts it to a safe area.
3. ATF - Sends SRT team to arrest the snake. They expend all of their
ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake, and everything
else in the forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a
presentation of why additional funding is required to properly
train agents to battle the threat of snakes. The only questions
asked by ATF management after the operation is whether or not there
a proper operational plan in place, if the plan was followed, and
who can take the fall for anything that went wrong.
4. TSA - Abiding by a Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling"
venomous snakes, the TSA makes random inspections. Venomous snakes
are regularly allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search a
family of squirrels.
5. IRS-CID - Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and
writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be
The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office
6. ICE - After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS,
FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they
mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status
hearing. The snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
7. DEA - Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the
cell phone after discovering that the above-listed agencies have
begun an investigation on the snake. DEA spends $3 million to
discover the snake is not Colombian...
8. U.S. Attorney's Office - Declines prosecution out of "professional
9. USBP (Border Patrol) - Captures the snake. Their inability to
communicate with the snake results in a recruitment drive for
handlers. They take the snake back to the border (for the 40th
10. US Forest Service - They have meeting after meeting. Management
wrings their hands and decide to deny any existence of the snake
public lands. All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any
sighting of the snake. All agents are ordered to refer to the
snakes as "legal reptiles."
11. Local Sheriff's Office - Shoots the snake after driving over it
several times. The Deputy then puts the snake in a city Police
Officer's car while it is parked outside the nearest Krispy Kreme