-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime.
-Learn to play golf drunk.
-Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun.
Community Service units
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
-Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises.
-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting."
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-Is respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car
is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training
opportunity” and asks to take primary.
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
-Come in at 0800.
-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how
the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.
-Remembers very well "how we used to do do it."
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container
- Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie,
then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style
- Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a
management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a
jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).
- Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30
minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to
Starbucks "to discuss a new case."
- After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover)
make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc, to "properly utilize your
superior tactical skills."
- After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about
"long term undercover" jobs.
- Refuse to play golf with "the locals."
New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early.
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform.
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything
when you arrive at the facility.
- Become friends with every local police officer.
-Say you don’t want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel
while in courtroom.
-Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized.
-Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three
-Consider the Public Defenders’ Christmas party the high point of the year.
Defensive Tactics Instructor
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick.
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
- Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?'
- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval
- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of
that lead leaves your system.
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the
- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal
over 4 years ago
Hey you. I have been doing good. What a out you? How had work been going? I hope that your staying safe out there. I'm pretty excited about Christmas. I vet the best gift ever. I get to spend it with my family. Well I hope you have a great rest of the week and happy holidays if I don't get to talk to you.