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Ten Common Ways to NOT Get Hired
Sgt. Betsy Brantner Smith
You don’t really want to be a cop, do you? Fighting crime, saving lives, big guns, fast cars, a cool uniform, hot calls; that stuff’s not for you. The hours are long, the gratitude is short-lived, and there may occasionally be people trying to kill you when you’re just trying to make a living and do a little good. Take some advice from the front lines of police hiring and training, here’s ten way to make sure you do not get hired by any law enforcement agency.
That 20-page application they want you to fill out? Just consider that pesky document merely a guideline; they can’t possibly expect you to waste your time filling out every single box, blank, and question. Why would anyone really want a certified copy of your high school transcripts, an official duplicate of your birth certificate, and an accurate list of everywhere you’ve ever worked or lived.? Do they really need to know how to contact your grandparents, your old roommate and your college resident assistant? Just fill out what you can, you’ll have plenty of time to show them how organized and thorough you are once they bring you on board as one of their officers.
Don’t worry about your level of fitness. Police testing can take a long time; you may sit on an eligibility list for months, even years, before you begin the academy. So why worry about what kind of shape you’re in? Wait until you get confirmation that you’re about to start recruit training to get serious about working out, especially if you have youth on your side. You played high school football, you’re on a summer softball league, and you’re awesome at Wii boxing so you’ll get in shape in no time, right?
Always remember that you are owed a good police job. Don’t think that you have to work hard, prove yourself, or compete with anyone else; you are entitled to this opportunity. After all, how many people are willing to make the sacrifices you’ll have to make as a crimefighter: working shifts, facing down armed criminals, cutting your hair really short? They should feel fortunate that you’ve chosen to apply at their agency, and it’s that agency’s responsibility to make sure your career dreams are realized.
Make sure your social networking sites show what a fun-loving party animal you really are. The person doing your background check will certainly get a chuckle out of that picture of you passed out in front of your fraternity’s record-breaking beer can pyramid. And those racy boudoir portraits you had taken for your ex-boyfriend, the ones of you wearing nothing but a toy shoulder holster and a smile? I’m sure the chief of police will understand that it’s not your fault that your ex posted them on his My Space page after you guys broke up, complete with all of your contact information. Besides, the cops can’t actually access that stuff, can they? Can they!?
Why worry about your personal appearance? “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” isn’t that what your grandma always said? You’re applying to be a cop, not a Marine or a Wall Street broker. When you show up for the physical agility test, everyone is sure to love your Female Body Inspector t-shirt you bought in Cancun, or be impressed with those Victoria’s Secret PINK short shorts you just got at the mall. Besides, that scruffy Brad Pitt look or the high school Goth girl fashion statement may be just what they’re looking for in the Narcotics Unit of the agency you’re applying for.
Don’t bother to read anything more difficult or thought provoking than the latest issue of People magazine or your buddy’s fantasy football blog. Even though studies show that the number one predictor of success in the police academy is your level of reading comprehension, you did more than enough reading in school, and it was painfully boring then. Reading actual books interferes with your emailing, texting, Skyping, and keeping up with all that great reality TV. You’ll have no problem catching up once you’re in the academy.
Don’t worry about your personal finances. After all, soon you’ll have a secure job and lenders will be practically throwing money at you. Why would $25,000 in credit card debt, a defaulted car loan, or one little bankruptcy be a concern for any law enforcement agency looking to hire you? Don’t they know that’s why you’re trying to get a good job, so you can take care of all those pesky bills? Besides, no one actually pays back their student loans, do they?
You’re going to have to live life on the straight and narrow after you become a cop so make sure you live it up now! Whatever ethical or lifestyle choices you make before you get hired will certainly have no bearing on anyone’s perception of your decision-making abilities as a law enforcement professional later on. And why should you be held to a higher standard than your friends? That’s certainly not fair. After all, you’re not getting paid to behave like a Boy Scout just yet, so why should you?
Don’t spend your time prior to getting a police job working, going to school, serving in the military or doing volunteer work. Certainly no one will care about your prior work or service history, its what you’re going to do in the future that counts. Why would it matter if you just flunked out of the local junior college, held seven different fast food jobs in the past year, or spent the last six months on your parents’ living room couch playing XBOX? Life is all about looking forward.
Let your potential employers know right off the bat that you’re not big on working weekends, holidays, nights or on your birthday. In fact, make sure that your interviewers know that you’re really not interested in “paying your dues” in some dead end assignment like patrol or corrections. You have natural talent, you’ve watched a lot of “CSI” and “Law and Order” and you’re ready for the big time. In fact, as soon as you get in a little better shape, you’ll be ready for the SWAT team.
So go for it, future crimefighters! Party like a rock star or just hang out and wait for that great police job to come to you, after all, you deserve it!




JKL86
6 months ago
86 Comments
That was very funny! Great article!
DaddysGurl_2011
7 months ago
6 Comments
Lol! That was a great article too read and very informative on what not too do! Ha Ha Ha
Huan86
7 months ago
6 Comments
Hahaha this was a fun read, but you can definitely get the take home message.
TheCad
8 months ago
16 Comments
I kept wondering where i was messing up! now i can finally get those pesky personnel people to stop calling me back so i can get back to my xbox and partying
DemonHunter1987
9 months ago
314 Comments
Ha ha!
chiefdennis
9 months ago
7896 Comments
Extremely loud and clear. Excellent points.
MAYES38
9 months ago
2186 Comments
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
GORDON0084
9 months ago
404 Comments
Nice. that was great
CaptainOrso
9 months ago
6 Comments
ROFLMBO. I was in charge of hiring in my agency for 8 years. Every one of these losers applied to my agency-some multiple times- thanks for a good laugh and even better advice...
crewsl
9 months ago
54 Comments
This is a really great article. It really summerizes a daily life of a cop and i believe that this isnt for everyone however there is reward in the end we all hope. There are those who do and those who just wish they had the guts to be cops. So as we say there are those who are cops and those who play cops.
quianawright21
9 months ago
2 Comments
I didn't get it, to me it wasn't helpful, I suppose it was ment to be sarcastic, but I need the real low down, seriously!!! To me this is no game, this it...
lizpettit
10 months ago
402 Comments
Wow - a funny article. Might need to send a copy to my sis :)
cmwillis
10 months ago
2628 Comments
eewwgghweee, I love it! Sounds like something you should do all the way around....lol
Pcampbell1025
10 months ago
72 Comments
wow you do the oppsite right? jk but it did help me see the other side to all the crazyness to the police test and interviews.
wvanloon
10 months ago
10 Comments
Fantastic article. Spot on.